March 11th, 2009


(no subject)

Dear Ryan,
i'm sorry. no, thats not how i wanted to start this. but i am. i'm sorry that i cant say these things out loud.
honestly i'm just trying to get some cheap therapy. and I think that if I write it down. it's one step closer to saying it out loud. and after i say it out loud, i can say it to you.
i'm scared that you're going to leave me. i feel like i can't be comfortable until we hit a year. when we hit a year i know you wont leave. but i know in the back of my head i will still be thinking that you will leave. you'll leave me like everyone else. well thats not true.
but you will stop loving me. and i dont even know that you do love me. i just, i dont want you to stop caring. this is coming out all wrong.
i want to tell you that i love you. no other word could describe what i feel when i'm around you. when you aren't around i feel horrible. when i think about you not being there, i know that my life will cease to exist. because nothing will ever replace this feeling when im with you. it's like i finally feel whole. there is no longer a gapping wound in my side when youre around. i wake up, and i get out of bed because i know that one more day will bring us closer together. one more day and i'll be closer to being older. and knowing more about you. and coming one step closer to some time when i will no longer have these doubts about you leaving in my head. i know its going to be you. because before i had you, i dont even know what i did. i would cling onto anything that gave me a reason to live, if only for a few weeks. and now that i have you, i couldnt imagine ever going back to that way of life.
you make me want to do things. you make me want to quit smoking, for you. you make me want to lose weight, for you. so maybe i would feel more worthy of having you. but that shouldnt be the case. i deserve you, i waited 5 years at least. with you always in the back of my mind. i knew you would be there for me eventually, i just had to get to that point. and now that i'm here i am so scared. i am so scared to open up to you, to bring down the last barrier that i think is keeping me sane, but it's really just making me more crazy.
if i had one wish, i would make you happy. i wish i could just erase all the pain in your life right now. i want to reassure you that everything is going to be okay. but how can i say that when i have no control over it? i want you to find a job, i want you to be happy. and healthy. and i want you to get a good night's sleep when im with you.
this sound so ridiculous, but i just want to live happily ever after with you.
and i know when this fairy tale ends, i'm just going to give up.
and i cant let that happen.