February 6th, 2009

(no subject)

My dearest,
I love you, and I know I'm not fooling myself when I say you love me too. But I also know that I love Todd, and that you love Claire. I know that no matter what, we are going to stay with them, and I will never have you. It tears me apart. It keeps me sane.

I feel so guilty, loving you. I lay awake in the middle of the night, wishing things were different. That I didn't love Todd, that we weren't all such close friends, that I didn't love you. I feel terrible that I crave every look, every touch, every "innocent" coffee we have together. I want to kiss you, but I wish that I didn't. I want the Mariners to make the grand final, so that we can go away together. But I'm terrified of that happening.

I know nothing will ever happen, but I wish it would. I know that you do too. But I love Todd. He is my life, my soul. When I look into his eyes there is no one else. Then I see you.

I'm so confused.