January 31st, 2009

nph.

(no subject)

Dear L,
I like to act tough like nothing can ever bother me or bring me down but the truth is you shattered my life and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. There was a time where I was so in love with you and if you felt it you didn't show it and that hurt so much you wouldn't believe. So thanks to you I learned to shut my emotions off it was the perfect way of staying with you but not having it hurt so much. The only problem is I turned into a robot for the last couple of years. On my twentieth birthday I passed the place were we first had sex and decided that you would be something from my teenage years. Then you finally told me you loved me and said we should get married and all that crap and I got piss drunk one night and finally decided it was done for good and woke up the next day and suddenly all my feelings were back. I was me again not just the robot you turned me into. The bad thing is feelings kind of hurt and it reminds me that I had feelings for you once. Shit I was in love with you I would have done anything to be with you. And I guess when you told me you were in love with me and that we should get married it took me totally by surprise. I wanted to punch you in your fucking face. Why couldn't you have told me that earlier why couldn't you have stopped the pain being with you caused me. If you told me that it could have been good, been real and not just something I always wished could make me happy. It's like you said I guess neither of us were good at showing our feelings. You made me too insecure to show you mine but I did want to scream it in your face a couple of times. But when you finally told me you were in love with me it was too late I wasn't in love with you anymore. And the only reason you told me that was because you knew you were losing me. Anyway here I am months after that happened and it still hurts. There's still a wound inside of me and no matter how hard I try not to I think about you a lot. I think of what my life would be like right now if we really did get married. Whether I want to admit it or not you were one of the great loves of my life and no matter how much of an asshole you are sewing up that hole you left isn't easy. Even if it was my choice to finally end it. Our relationship was toxic from start to finish. Either way it's hard letting go but I'm really trying to. But at the same time it's weird in my head to think that one day you're going to marry a girl who isn't me and it makes me kinda jealous. But I guess happy birthday since I won't be texting it to you this year. Even though you never sent me birthday texts. And just so you know I keep our last couple of conversations they were important to me but I'm really not sure I'll ever be reading them again.
Loving you still, But wishing I wasn't,
Casey.