January 9th, 2009

(no subject)

Hugh,
    Getting to know you and being with you has probably been some of the funnest times I've had in a while. The more I got to know you, the more special you became to me. There was something more to us. You're the first person I've ever kissed and actually felt something.
    After you ended things between us I was heart broken - not even gonna play it off. I guess I didn't see it coming. Especially only after 2(?) months. I realized a day or two later that even though I was sad, I was happy because being with you was so good. The good made up for the bad. I was happy we had what we had. I was happy you let me in.
    At first I wasn't planning on staying friends with you because it was going to be hard for me. I couldn't stop liking you. However I thought this was selfish of me and came to the conclusion that if I really loved you - which I did - I was still willing to be there for you. I felt you needed it.
    It was okay at first. We still talked. I didn't know limitations and I dont' think you did either. I was really up and down about you. One day I'd be pissed and the next I'd be okay. Some days of course I was really sad. That's when I still had hope. I think there was one time when I came to your house, you were babysitting, and I realized you didn't want anything. You had givin up. It's like i could feel it in the way you touched and kissed me. That night was probably the hardest for me because I realized I had to start accepting that this was the real end. I felt like if you could get over it, I could too.
   A few  times I remember being filled with some false hope, but I would dismiss it as quickly as it came. You called me every now and then, but I thought you were just being nice. It meant nothing.
   Right before break you toldme you were leaving and would most likely not be coming back. I had no fucking idea how to react to that. I honestly believed I could possibly never see you again and that killed me. For the next few days I couldn't concentrate on anything. My heart was in my stomach and I sort of felt like I was melting - if that makes any sense. Monday came and went with no call from you. I was so sad. And then later on in the week I found out through a friend that you were coming back. I still don't understand why you did that to me. For a reaction? You had to have known that was going to hurt.
   The hardest part about that situation was knowing I still loved you. I've never felt that way about someone leaving. I didn't even feel like that in Panama.
   All the while i completely believed I was the farthest thing from your mind.
   I had no idea you had intentions of ever wnating to get back with me. I had erased that thought from my mind a while back. And then after the movies you spill your heart out to me. How am I supposed to say no? Everything logical in my body is telling me to say no, but I can't.
   If I don't give you another chance, there's a 100% chance we wont work. If I do however, there's a possibility we will. I don't want to have to "what if" myself. And maybe the time away really did do something.
   It's so hard to bring myself back to opening up. To trust you. I don't want our relationship to be a lie. So I need to know.
   When we were dating we always talked about the future and how you wanted to stay together, even when it got tough.
   I'm hearing the same thing now and need to know if you are positive. In two months are you still going to be okay with this. I'm willing to put everything out on the line. But I need you to be sure. I don't want history to repeat itself. I've missed you. I believe everything you told me the other night. I guess I just want proof you really believe it too. We're both complicated and crazy. I think we can either accept it and embrace it or recognize it and be safe.

I love you no matter what,
Hannah