June 29th, 2008

him....

 as much as i think i love him sometimes i wish that i never met him.
he is the boy of my dreams and im not the girl of his.
i think about him constantly
and i doubt he ever thinks about me that way,not anymore
i lied when i said i was okay with us just being friends.
you have let me down in the worst way and now im starting to care less and less about you

What difference does this difference in age make? I know how it ends.

Darren

I didn't know what you wanted me to do or say. I didn't know how to make you feel better. But now I know. You want me to be sad about it, you want me to fall apart, you want me to break down and cry because we're not together anymore. But I understand that, and I'd do it if I could but I'm not sure I could pretend all that well. I mean, I realise that I've not seemed all that broken up about the whole thing.. and maybe that makes you feel like you never mattered to me and that it was all fake or something. I really don't want you to feel that way, because you meant a lot. It just turned out to be a bit.. wrong. It didn't work. I try and explain a lot of things to you but I don't know how to word them properly I guess because you never understand. I don't know how to make you feel better. You want to hang out soon, and I've told you I will.. but I can't. I told you before I need time apart, it's too awkward right now. I don't know what to say anymore...

You want me to cry and play my part

You want me to lie not break your heart
I want you to fly not stop and start


Me... I don't say much
It's far too hard to make you see in a moment
I still forget just how to be all you wanted


I can't make you understand.. I even explained the whole terrible thing about how I've never forgiven myself for that thing, and it bothers me pretty much every day. As it turns out, I did love you but not in the same way I've loved someone before. But that's my secret, and I don't know why I told you.. it seems mean of me but it just slipped out when I was trying to explain things.. I know I'm not making sense, I probably never do. But I'm sick of living in the past. I just have to accept that I will never have what I always wanted the most.

So now I just need to talk to you, I guess. I need to tell you that I do want to be friends, it's just too hard right now... you're always so over-the-top-cheerful when I talk to you and that hurts too because it's so fake. You say things like "have a fantastic night!" and you just exaggerate cheerfulness and it drives me insane because I know it's not real. I hate that I get annoyed at you, but I can't help it. I just kind of seem to fail at every relationship and I've gotten to the stage where I don't even want to be in one anymore.

But I'm too scared to tell you all this so I just post this stupid letter in an LJ community where I'm pretty sure no one I know will actually read it. I'm a big coward. I want to tell you that you can't understand some of the stuff in my life and you're too young.. but even I can see how awful that sounds. I couldn't say it..

Lisa..
  • Current Mood
    confused confused