April 11th, 2008

immature

(no subject)

Dear boyfriend,

I wish that I could be one of your cats so I could see what it's like to be loved by you. You said you love cats so much because they love unconditionally and don't expect anything in return. I don't see how I differ from that description.

I know that you can't make someone love you. It's not anyone's fault; feelings are feelings. So I promise to stop asking you what I can do for you to love me and I promise to stop saying I love you because I know that always is followed by an eye roll, an "oh Lord" or "I think you need some sleep."

Sometimes I wonder if I lost enough weight or was pretty enough or older maybe I would have a chance to be loved. You said that you never said you didn't love me, but you never said you did, either. I know you can't rush people to say things and I know you don't want to say something you don't mean.

I remember once my ex-bf loved me and I only loved him as a friend. So I should understand that you can't force yourself to love someone. Or maybe what everyone says is true. maybe its just an infatuation and maybe i really don't know what love is or if i love you. after all, how would I know.

And like you and everyone else says, you have to love yourself if you want someone else too. and I will never love myself. So I guess I am right back where I started. You are so wonderful to me and as you said I should take take things day by day so I will stop being ungrateful and just enjoy today since tomorrow is not promised. Can't wait to see you this weekend.

kisses.