November 28th, 2007

(no subject)

dear friend,

i'm obviously confunded with you right now. 

after you coming to me with problems for two years and vise versa, i have finally found out that you try to one up me.  i know your life could be worse than mine, but i'm trying to make you feel better.  i really am.  that's all i wanted.
i want you to know that you're my best friend, and i don't think you know that.
and my best friends are getting progressively worse, first there was Melissa, and she was wonderful, but i moved away.  and then there was Emee, and she turned out to have major self image problems and ended up hating me, and then there was Linda, who was depressed and hid her feelings most of the time and she wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise, and then there was Jen, who was bipolar, and now you.  and you are, i'm sorry, but you are mentally unstable.  i get angry at you and you laugh.  i have a better day than you and you cry.  i try to help you dear, i really do, but everytime i try to help someone i just get slapped in the face.  
last time we had a fight, to which you told me i was being unreasonable and immature, you said that because i was angry with you you wanted to hurt yourself.  do you know how much that scared me? 
and yesterday, when all that shit went down and i tried to comfort you and i tried to be there with you and you discovered my journal entry on deviantart from a month ago when you told me you'd hurt yourself - you denied everything!  you laughed at me.  
and i cried.
and i ignored every call, every text.  and i sat on the living room floor and cried.  
so today i decided i need breathing room from you.  and i tell you via text because i can't look at you right now, i'm just so frustrated.  and i say that exactly "i want you to know i'm not angry with you.  and that i love you.  but, i don't know, i need some breathing room.  i need to find out what's wrong with me."
and you text me back saying: "i know you aren't mad at me.  i know what's wrong with you, but i understand you need to figure it out for yourself.  i'm here for you.  forever."

and i thank you for being here for me when i can't find strength, but, good god, i don't think there's anything wrong with me.  except, okay, maybe, like Jen has told me a thousand times, "you need to stop caring about everyone else and start caring about yourself."  or maybe i have a complex with picking best friends.  or maybe i'm just meant to sit here alone for awhile.
whatever it is, i'm sure you're wrong.

oh, and thanks for telling me you didn't believe in me.  it meant so much to know that i'm the one person in this world that thinks my dreams can come true.

sincerely, yours.

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