November 8th, 2007


(no subject)

 Dear body,
why do you hate my life?

Dear Grandpa,
if you'll let me i'll get a bone marrow transplant if we match. because i want you around some more. Because i love you and I don't think any of us say it enough.

Dear jason,
I hate that you used me and I hate that I was the filler til your girl from Germany arrived. I hate that you think you did nothing wrong and I hate that she doesn't know and I want to tell her. I never would because what would that prove besides that I'm a child. I want you to suffocate and die. I want something to break into your house and eat you. I thought that if you loved me, even a little, it wouldn't be enough. I hate her for no reason but really. After all this. I hate you. I do. As much as i love you it is now over ridden with extreme hate for the fact that even though I grew through this you tortured me for  months. you'd sleep with me then tell me you loved me then tell em it was a mistake. You made me hate myself more than a rape victim already does. I sang to you and I gave you all I seemed to have left and what did you leave me with me? A tore out used and beaten heart. I had to repare myself again. And I don't know how many more times I have it in me to rebuild my life. I just can't believe you think you did nothing wrong. "I never wanted anything from you." Maybe that's true. But w/e you didn't want you took anyway. I mean I cut myself so I could stop being hysterical over you. I stopped eating so I could be thinner, prettier for you. Oh so you never asked that of me. Well if you hadn't made me feel like a worthless whore who was just around til the girl you're going to marry moves here maybe I wouldn't have felt so insecure. You knew that I had been raped. You knew all this intimate stuff about me. I gave you everything I had left to give and you just pushed it aside. And I hate you for it. I hope she gets ugly when she's old and I hope your children only have one eye or something else. I've never in my life wished things like that before. Not even on John(who's name I still shudder) and for god sakes he raped me. How fucked up is that? Maybe I'm the fucked up one but it was you and every guy like you who turned me so jaded and synical. My body used to ache from wanting you now it aches for wanting to hurt you. I never would though. I don't have that kind of energy in me. Plus Ciro is in my life now and he makes me feel like I'm a better person. I want to be perfect for him but not in a destructive way but in a he deserves the best of me way. I hope she doesn't love you anymore. And I hope you hurt like I do. But the thing that is so fucked up about this. Is if you called me right now and said that she didn't love you and you wanted me to come comfort you and hold you while you cried. I would. And there my good friend is the real reason I hate you. I hate you because I can't hate you enough.

Sorry I can't be perfect. But I'm gonna give you the best of me. You are the best thing to happen to me in a long time. Sorry this isn't as long as Jason's becasue you deserve more of me than I ever gave him. I don't love you but I could see me falling in love with you. You've shown me more about myself in the past 2 weeks than i've learned in the past 4 years. thanks <3 Amanda

(no subject)


What the hell have you done to me?

I just looked in the mirror at work and I actually honestly seriously thought I was beautiful.

There have been a LOT of new experiences lately, and that one was a biggie...

I love you.

Love Lisa xx