so, ever since you dropped the big "L" bomb on me, we've been hanging out just as frequently. you treat me like your girlfriend. you kiss me when i arrive and when i depart. you call me "babe." &sometimes you'll come up with a nice little mixture of the two habits, like on tuesday when i got to your house earlier than you expected me to. you opened the door, smiled, and said, "hey babe, you made it." and you kissed me.
you don't know about the way i felt the other night, when i was in the car with that actor of yours, kaz. we were following you to matt's house, &he was talking about the girl who was originally supposed to play my part in your film. the real katie. he told me that he really likes her. &we were having this in-depth conversation about how he feels about her, and how they're like best friends but he's not her type or something. then he started going on about how he gets jealous when you flirt with her. he said that he gets jealous that you are more of her type than he is. of course, he knew nothing about me &you. &i didn't feel that it was my place to tell him that anything goes on between us. so instead, i just sat there, listening to him go on about you &katie.
he also said something about michelle, how the two of you went on like, a date a long time ago, but nothing ever happened. or maybe he was talking about katie with that one. i don't know.
i thought i was fine with not being official. but slowly, little things keep popping up to make me feel not-so-fine about it anymore. i guess i felt fine with it just because i felt 100% assured that nothing was going on with you and other girls. but i don't know if that's necessarily true. and, technically, if you follow the rulebook, i don't have to know. it's not required for you to tell me about your other suitors. but if you're going to tell me you love me, don't be surprised if i expect a little bit of an emotional commitment.
i don't really think anything's going on with you and anyone else. i don't really think you'd do that to me, and i know you better than that. but the possibility is still there, and that scares me.
the one thing that did make me feel a little bit better about all of this, though, was tuesday night at the park when you were filming. a few of your actors were sitting on the ground the way you needed to, and i told you that i needed to leave, so i climbed over the wires, and you seemed to have no problem with kissing me in front of them. that makes me feel good, because michelle was there. so i know that basically makes it less likely that anything is going on with michelle. and, more than likely, katie would find out about you kissing me in front of the actors. plus, you kissed me in front of kaz the other night, too, after he told me all that stuff about you &katie flirting. which probably is going to have the following effects:
a) kaz is going to feel really, really dumb for telling me all about you flirting with katie.
b) he's probably going to tell katie that you've got something going on with someone else, considering that he's always with her and that he wants her for himself.
so, when i justify that in my mind, it makes me feel so much better. and it makes me feel better that you called me yesterday when i was at work, "just because." honestly, when i really analyze the situation, i know that i am completely just overthinking absolutely everything. i'm overthinking everything so much, and for some reason i can't deal with writing in my own livejournal. i have to write letters directly addressed to you, without ever actually giving them to you, i guess.
whatever, i'm sorry this is so long, but you like to read anyway. ;)
oh, and by the way, funny story: the other night when i left you a message on AIM while you were asleep... the one about planned parenthood. it said something along the lines of, "i just looked up my local planned parenthood and there are all these scary questions i have to answer." WELL... when i put my away message up, all of my IM windows are automatically hidden. but i guess i got disconnected at some point during the next day after i went to sleep, &when i came home, that conversation window was on top and it was apparent that my mother had been in my room, because there was clean laundry folded on my chair. i'm almost positive that she saw it, haha.
that's hysterical, because now she thinks i'm pregnant lmao. she hasn't actually said anything directly. but today i was talking to her about my period being really annoying, and she was like, "you know, you can still be pregnant and be on your period." i was like, "yeah. i know that. i'm not pregnant, though." and she was like, "okay. well, if you ever need to talk, let me know."
lmfao. she totally saw that IM, and i think it's hysterical cos i know it makes her nervous. i just thought you'd find that awesome, haha.
anyway, i'll be waiting for your call tonight.