March 21st, 2007

(no subject)

i hate how i cant say anything

i refuse to be quiet anymore.

i refuse.


and finally. im so disappointed in you. youve changed. youve changed.

(no subject)

dear everyone,

this is my first post to the community. i'm noticing that a lot of the letters that people post don't get any replies on them. i'm not necessarily asking for replies, but it would be nice to know if people have any sort of opinion on what's going on with me. so please, feel free to reply.

dear boy-i've-spent-the-past-year-persuing,

you're one of my best friends. you know that. i sure as hell don't need to tell you that. you know you mean more to me than most people, and i know that i mean the same to you in terms of our friendship. and our whole friends-with-benefits thing is great. really, it is.

but i think both you and i know that, at this point, we're a bit more than friends with benefits. it's unspoken, but it's there. but, i've had to hold my tongue about how i feel, and to be honest, it's driving me completely nuts.

the other night, you told me you loved me. i guess i just really want to know if you meant it. but i can't ask you that. why? because i don't want to pressure you into being more than what we are. although, i don't know why we're not together, if you apparently love me. that's the thing that makes me doubt you. because i know you, and you're not one to just go saying things like that to people. you're more real than that, and i know you wouldn't say you loved me unless you thought about it for a very long time first. but somehow, i still don't believe you. maybe because things just don't work like that for me. maybe it just seems too easy -- i don't really know. all i want to do is talk this out with you, but i can't.

i know what turns you on. i know how to make you want me more. i have to act casual. i have to act nonchalant, as if i have all the time in the world to wait for you to decide where we're going. but i don't have all the time in the world. i'm leaving for college in five months. if we're going to be together, we have to do it while we still can. i know you and i could find our ways to be together while i'm at school. it's really not even that far, i'll probably be home a lot on weekends.

i read this article today on yahoo when i logged in to check my mail. it was about women and men -- the things that men like about women was one of the articles. then, there was a corresponding one, pointing out the different parts of a relationship, and when women are being too aggressive or not aggressive enough. the part that caught my eye was the sigue between seeing each other and developing an exclusive relationship. the article said that guys get extremely turned off when girls want to rush to slap a label on everything. and i just had to laugh when i read that, because it reminded me of you. that's why i don't bug you about the way we are. i don't want to chase you away... not this time.

i'm fine with waiting for you if i know that it will pay off in the end. i'd wait forever for you. i honestly would. i'm not a little girl about saying i love people. i don't say "i love you" to someone just because i'm dating them. i meant it when i told you i loved you. i guess the thing that's driving me crazy is just the fact that i need to know whether or not you meant it when you said that you loved me.

i love you,


Dear Mister

Dear Boyfriend,
It sure took you long enough didn't it? :) I think we wasted a lot of time, and fair or not, it's sort of hurting us now. That's sad after only, what, 4 days. Maybe I shouldn't have said yes, knowing that I didn't quite trust you again but ugh if only you knew just how I felt about you. There wasn't anyway that my answer would have changed. I just don't know what to do with myself around you. Maybe that's just me being silly and over thinking things. Actually, the more I think about it, that's exactly what it is. We need some time together, you and me, as a couple. Too bad you're going out of town all weekend! My only requirement is that I get a kiss before you leave. Can you handle that?
In fact, I think I should get two since I didn't get one today!