January 20th, 2007

Don't leave me here by myself, I can't breathe

Dear Fraser,

I'm so sorry for getting upset over you talking to your ex. It's making me cry right now just thinking about it all. I want to be okay with it, but she said some horrible things about how we'd never last and we'd never get married and that I had no right to be in your house, for fuck's sake. I can forgive, but I will not ever forgive her. I HATE the thought that you talk to her and share things with her, maybe things you don't want me to know. I don't know. It hurts so much.

But I promise from now on I will not "get freaked out" about it. I will try my best. I will resent her for all my own reasons, but I won't keep voicing it. I'll shut up about it, okay?

Sometimes I just really need you to make me feel beautiful after you've been out meeting all these pretty girls and hot actresses. It just makes me feel so plain and boring and worthless. I can't honestly see why anyone would ever want me, it just so happens I got incredibly lucky and YOU want me, and I'm completely in love with you.

I don't want to ruin it. So if that means hiding the fact that I can't STAND Vicki and Kim, then I will do it. But sometimes I look at your wall and there's a spot that says Fraser loves Vicki. And it makes me think I'm not good enough for you. And the fact that you won't cut her out (which I swear I'm not asking you to, it's just something you said once) makes me feel like you still need her and that... hurts. I know you're just friends, I really do. I know you don't want to run off with her and she doesn't want to run off with you. We got together under suspicious circumstances, so I figure it's only natural for me to get a bit paranoid right? You cheated on Vicki and I cheated on David. You had never ever cheated before, and neither had I - and that's the only bit of comfort I get from that. I'm so sure you wouldn't do it again. Especially not to me. Just like I would never do it again.

I will just have to get over this and accept the fact that you NEED your frigging ex in your life for some reason, and I will just have to deal with it. I promise I'll get better.

I love you so much. I'm so sorry for being a paranoid bitch.

Lisa xxx
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