I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope

dear father,
you are not a dad to me. i know other people have it bad, but i want to be selfish just this once, and rag on you, father, because you are not a dad to me. you are there, but away. you are a stranger. you don't reach over to me, you don't make any attempt to help me grow. sometimes i feel like i.. am on that brink of hating you, everything about you is so pathetic, it makes me want to scream. i feel bad for mom, for having to put up with you. to stay with you because she is a traditional chinese woman, and we are, on apperance, a traditional chinese family, and divorce is not a part of our lives. well. no, that's harsh.
i don't want you to leave our family, father, i love you. i know i do. i know we're soo alike. sometimes i pity you because it seems you are such a vegetable; mom will toss you and you just lie limp like a broken doll. i wonder if you're really happy.
we only care about you; we don't want you to drink and smoke and all that crap. you have been for so long. and it's SHAMEFUL, what you did the other night. people laugh at you, at us. they talk shit. they're not true friends, not really. they're all selfish. you should only need us dad. i mean, father. why aren't we good enough for you? why do I have to take care of YOU? i'm fifteen. you're forty-three. you're supposed to be my DAD.
i bet you won't remember that one time, when you drove me home? and just stayed at home. and got so pissing drunk, and knocked over your fucking beer and I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO CLEAN IT UP. so i told you to fucking go to sleep and you didn't even reprimand me for my foul mouth. you got some in my hair and eyes, daddy dear. and when you just stood there watching when mom went fucking NUTS, scratching at my face and pulling out locks of my hair, and i reached for you, "dad, help me, please," and you just stood there and watched and avoided my scrabbling hands. you didn't want to touch me dad. that's what hurts most, i think. i'm your daughter, and you didn't even want to touch me. i don't even remember the last time you told me i love you. if you ever did.
you always liked kyle more than me. because he's the boy. well, this is america, father. get used to equality, and start acting like a forty-three year-old man instead of some sixteen-year-old still. there's no place for you to party and get drunk when you have a family and a restaurant business to run.
sincerely,
your daughter.



dear kainalu,
i'm kind of glad i talked to you last night. because it made me realize that it's not you i miss, but your memory. i make you out to be greater than you are in my mind. and when i talk to you, i remember why we're not together. we're too different in ways that wouldn't click. you decieve me too much.
i wish i didn't let you finger me that night. i could still be amazingly pure. but oh well. you learn.
you think you're so fucking great. in britain, they say: piss off. :)
one day, maybe you'll realize what you lost. not saying i'm great or anything, but you. are pretty junk. ha.
always,
kariann.


dear whatever is out there,
if there really is a god or some higher being, show me the way?
always,
kari.

Dear all LJ users!

Okay I am sick of seeing my icons on peoples userpics page saying things like 'made by lisa' - someone will just come along and take that and there's no credit at all. People on my own flist have done this.

For fucks sake how hard is it? It's on my userinfo page:



EASY. So don't be so lazy! It's not fair to be stealing icons and it makes all us icon makers sad :(

Lisa x

Dear Ryan,

It's december and I've been looking forward to seeing you since you came to visit in October. Your mom gave me a ride fromt he airport and that was nice but you hardly said anything to me. you hardly looked at me. I wonder what you were thinking becuase when you came down in october the first thing you did was give me a kiss and what did I get when I saw you this time I got a thumbs up. maybe it was because your parents were around. I don't get it though because they know we've done stuff because afterall I have spent the night at your house many times. 

I'm trying to figure out what I want from everything and I can't do it. I can't figure out if you're good for me or we are stuck in this circle because I'm too afraid to be completely alone. I don't know what you would think if I went out on a date with someone else. there are weeks were we don't talk at all but then when I ay I mis talking to you you act as if we've talked just recently. I don't know where you think we stand or what we are. I want to ask you but I can't. because some how I'm afraid I'm thinking the wrong thins. I jut don't know anymore what I want from you. I wih I could jusst decide. I wish you would tell me but when do we ever have time just tot alk. will I ever ee you this break? will I regret seeing you in july like I told justin I would. I knew this was an endless cycle but I also feel that we might just have a chance.

I want that chance with you we never had. we never really gave it our all at a time when it might work. we never defined anything or worked to make it last. we always had sucky timing but now things are different. we're both in college and trying to survive school far from our family but I feel like we also could have the chance together. I feel that we would be able to upport each other even when far away. maybe I'm just dreaming things that will never happen because i'm afraid of the unknown. but really can you please tell me what we are so I can stop wondering.

all my love (and yes I mean love)
the second choice girl