December 17th, 2006

Enter a subject.

dear boy of mine (who isn't really "my boy" but now that just gets complicated):

I love how you make me feel, but it makes me so depressed. you're leaving soon. or you might be. i don't know how i'm going to handle that. i know that i will- i won't die and i won't even attempt to kill myself.

but falling in love with was a gradual process and now i'm not sure how i'm going to function if you go away. i don't want to think about you going away; it tends to put a lump in my throat, a knot in my chest and a deep pain in my heart. i don't know why though. is it because i love him? or because i'm finding myself becoming a lot more attached to you. i don't want to become a lot more attached to you, i'm just finding that it's a lot more difficult not to become more attached. you're very likable, and so very sweet. i don't know who else would have bought me tofu and made it for me. even if it was made thai style, it was a sweet gesture. and there's nobody else that i would eat thai food for.

there's nothing that i can really do except keep going along with this feeling. i just hate how i take for granted all the time i have with you now, and pretty soon, you might not be here at all. i love you.

i can't really admit it to anyone else, but i can admit to myself. i really do love you and i try really hard not to think about it because it hurts a lot. you're always going away, you don't know what it's like to be stationary. you don't know what it's like to stay in one place now. i don't know why, but you just don't. maybe you hate that town that much, regardless, you're right when you told chip "nothing is permanent." i can only be around for as long as you want me to be around. and i can only stick around for as long as i want to before things get very complicated.

i'd love to have more time with you. you're an amazing boy. you make me appreciate life and i love everything about you. even your open war against the capitalist society and the man. i love your anarchy ways and your silly kitchen rage.

i just adore you.
is that so bad?
i hope not.



i really wish that you wouldn't go away.
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