November 16th, 2006

My TeaRS

(no subject)

Dear Eric,
i want to, but if i did, i know in my heart it wouldnt be right. and i think  you would know it too. i wanna let go, but i dont want to not have you in my life. but maybe the best would be to kiss one final time. then say good bye and never look back, but how could i ever find the strength to do that. we fought all the time when we were together, so why cant we let each other go?
i know that if we did it, it would mean everything to me, but what would it mean to you?
you couldnt wait for me the first time we were together, you let your best friend pressure you to get me to do it. and you tried so hard, but you failed. you couldnt wait for me, so why should i give it to you now? what would it mean now? i know im wrong with thinking this, but i need to pretend i dont mean anything to you, maybe this way, ill save myself from the pain.
i wish you had been strong enough not to listen to your friend, i wish you would have had patience with me. i just needed time, but you didnt have time, not with me.
so you had to go and shatter everything to shards that are so small that they can never be put back together.
im sorry i hurt you, but you hurt me too. in ways ill never let you know. you'll never know the hurt you caused. ill go on preteding like im okay.
and your biggest regret can be letting go of me... and ill be okay, in time, my pain willl become less, ill always remember what you did, but i wont have to live with knowing i let my friends tear apart the only good thing in my life. but you will.
cause i was the only stable and good thing in your life.
your mom's illness, your brother's rebellion, your grandfather's disease, your aunt and best friends's drug problem, and your other best friend's domineering attitude. i was there for all of it. i never intentionally hurt you; i never wanted you to have sadness from me, you already had enough of it. i only wanted you to be happy. i was there to share the load; i didnt want you to feel alone. but you never would let me in, and always got mad when i didnt understand. but how could i? i loved you, couldnt you understand? i would have given you everything if it could have made you happy, but you wouldnt let me. all i asked for was time. but you couldnt give that single thing to me. you gave up. you gave up.