October 17th, 2006

you

(no subject)

Dear Ryan,

I'm pretty sure you can't imagine what I'm thinking about right now. I was so worried about you coming to visit just like I was worried this past summer about when we first hung out. I was worried everything would be ackward but I realized something. Whenever we get together it's never ackward. I'm not sure how this can be true but it is.

I can't believe you just spent a weekend here with me. You flew across the country to come visit. and although i'm trying to keep it in perspective that you only came because you had nothing else to do. I'm not sure that that's the only reason but I feel like in some ways I should keep that in mind. 

I also wanted to thank you for walking up to me at the airport and grabbing my hand and giving me a kiss. It set the mood for the whole weekend and releived so much stress. I miss having you around. I miss doing absolutely nothing with you for hours at a time. being so far away sucks majorly. 

Last night meant a lot but at the same time I hope you completely understand it. I couldn't have both of us take our turns at the same time. And it wasn't because I didn't want that it was because I couldn't let that happen. That would forever change how we were and I'm not sure I can risk that. Just like I couldn't end things this past summer with something I couldn't let this visit end with something new. I wish I could. But your reaction earlier to the clint fact this semester made me completely question everything. I also don't know what that would say about me. I know you'll never read this yet I'm still not being really blunt. I wish things might have been different. Iw ish I could have let both of us taken our turns at the same time. I wish we could have had everything perfect but what would that say about me. Would your opinion have changed, what if you had regreted everything.

I feel like in part I just got you back and I can't stand to lose you. I have no right to think this. I have no claim to you, I have nothing but what I'm feeling. And I'm feeling completely head over heels for you. people keep asking if I love you and I've been wishing so much that you liked me back but can I really put myself on the line again. So what I'm asking from you is for you to make the first move. Give me anything solid to depend on.

with all my absolute love,
turturkle