I hated you, I hated the smell of your apartment, and, I mean, the fucking swastikas on the wall? I bet you didn’t know what they even fucking meant. You thought you were so fucking badass and you fucking weren’t. Your mattress was on the ground, there was lip-gloss on your dresser and it wasn’t mine and it sure as hell was not yours and I hate how I didn’t even care. I didn’t think you were that cute, even though all the other girls seemed to. You weren’t that funny and you sure as hell weren’t good in bed. I knew I was smarter than you but I never corrected you because- fuck it. You needed to grow the hell up, Ron. You had bad taste in music. You had annoying friends. Your sister was a fucking burnout. You liked me so much and I hated me. I kissed you and I knew I had you. You loved me and I just hated me more. My parents didn’t know where I was. Fuck. I was there and I didn’t know where I was. They thought all these horrible things about me and I didn’t bother to correct them. Fuck them. I didn’t go home, I drove and I got into towns that I didn’t know and it was Monday and I wasn’t at school. I didn’t feel like me and the air outside was so grey and it smelled like December and the grass was dead and so was my phone and the snow was dirty. I had my shitty car and bad mix CDs and stale cloves and route one.
I see you on my missed calls and I don’t get why you still bother. I was never good to you and I hated who I was when I was with you and it was only two fucking weeks and I want you to not remember me instead of calling me on your twentieth birthday when you should be with people who actually care about you.
You loved me because I fucking hated you and I wish I could just forget that but I can’t.
I miss you a lot. And I'm sure you dont think of me often, and you have some other girl that you didnt mention in your last letter, but you need to know that i think of you more than anything.
I'm so hesitant to write back to you, because everything that I want to tell you is all that I cant say.
I know you're above me. I know you're in college now, and I'm still back here in our little high school in our little town, down the street from your house, and you arent home.
But I cant help but wonder what it would be like if you were still here.
And I dont even know if you'd want to spend your time on a girl like me, but I like to imagine you would.
And I'm trying to think of a way to invite you to homecoming without sounding like I'm in love with you, but the truth is, maybe I am.
And who knows if you'll even be home then.
But it really would be wonderful if you were.
It would be wonderful.
Because you're wonderful.
It hurts, you know.
I finally was able to deal with loving you.
I never knew it before, I just knew I cared.
Oh, missing you is crazy.
You used to miss me too, did you know that?
Do you even REMEMBER that?
I feel unwanted now.
If that's the right word.
Ashley is out with Coleton tonight, and tomorrow, and after that too, laughing and finally NOT missing him.
You were supposed to come with him.
And I understand that you couldn't, but I just wish you could.
I should be happy for Ash, shouldn't I?
I think I am, sort of.
But nonetheless, I'm a jealous little bitch
...who won't stop waiting around for you.
I've got to stop waiting around on you.
Maybe you're over me.
And that's fine, I don't need to touch you, hold you, kiss you again.
I just want to see you.
I want to know that we're okay and I want to see where we stand and I want to talk to you again.
I miss that about you.
And your smile, too.
I read over some of our old emails, they made me miss you like you wouldn't believe.
Why did things change so suddenly?
DID they change or am I just over-analyzing everything?
You're the reason I cry at night.
And somehow, you're still the reason I smile.
you know, i will never forget that night. i cried so hard...like i'd never cried before. it's so hard admitting that to you, even though i joke about it once in a while. but just seeing a pic i found from that night made me remember...how much that really got to me. and i'm glad all is forgotten...that was a long time ago now. but i will never forget that night...because i realized how much you really mean to me. and i don't care what anyone says about you, i will always believe in you. because you that's just how we do. thanks for being an awesome friend to me, and telling me how it is even though you might not always do that with everyone else. i really appreciate that. but honestly, i don't think i could handle another fight with you. the whole ONE we got into was enough to last a lifetime for me. anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i think you're classic. in every sense of the word.
i say mean things and say i love you right away because i am scared to lose you. i'm scared to feel your wrath. cuz you're fucking scary. hehe. but i should stop that. because you know i love you no matter what. we've been through hell and back and you know that even when i am pissed at you i will have your back no matter what. plus i'm sure i'm getting annoying because i say it all the time. haha well, just know that you are my rock at times, i know i can count on you for anything, and i am really grateful for your friendship and for your support even though i have been a turd to you at times.