September 23rd, 2006

me

(no subject)

dear boy,
Those two weeks with you this summer were almost perfect. you made me so happy. when I had my wisdom teeth pulled your were sweet enough to bring me flowers and jsut sit with me for a couple hours. You made me know that when I left it sucked. You made me feel safe and comfortable which was afeeling I haven't had in a while. 

And then last night happened. I've been trying to process this since is happened. I saved the conversation because I want to make sure I remember it correctly. You seriously had me in tears last night. You had me wishing that I did what I always did and didn't answer your question. When it was going on all I wanted to do was call you up and talk about it over the phone. I thought that if you heard my voice it might make a difference. I had to to tell you so many details that I didn't want to have to tell anyone. But you needed to know. It wasn't always something I wanted. It wasn't something I always encouraged it wasn't something I always stopped.

That person you liked this summer is the person that I am because of what's happened before. You're the boy I like and it kills me to think one little detail completely change dyour impression of me. At the same time though I know that I did nothing wrong.

So the reason I'm writing this is because now not only do I have a fear that you don't like me anymore but I want an apology. You were so mean when you brought up the subject. you had no consideration of what I might have felt. Did you even realize what I really told you about the whole thing? Did you know how much that killed me inside. I miss you and I want you to come visit me and have everything work out. I just want you to hold me and know how much that hurt me last night

(no subject)

dear number 41,
if only i had the courage to say this to your face.
if only you didn't look so cute in your football sweats.
if only you weren't so beautiful.

i went to that party last night because i knew you'd be there.
i made a pact with my friends that i would talk to you
& i spent the whole night trying to get close to you.

the truth is, you intimidate me.
i'm so scared to say the wrong thing,
so scared of your rejection.
too scared to move, let alone speak, when you're around.

all the "go aheads" in the world wouldn't do it for me.
i have to believe in myself that you won't think i'm crazy
for actually coming up & talking to you.

i know you'd never be mean or blow me off, even if you wanted to,
because you're not that kind of guy. i know that much.


for the past year i've been telling myself every day
"today is the day you talk to him,"
yet here i am writing this letter you'll never see.





in love with a boy i've never met.