September 13th, 2006

Pissed Off

Dear ??? (who ever in the fuck wants to listen/read)

You know I have been there time and time again. When ever they need a ride somewhere I never hesitate to say "sure of course". But what fucking pisses me off the most is when you actually needed a ride and I had to ask (which I hate to do) one of my siblings (who all live good distances away) to take my mom to get her surgery on her eye, because since school started you have said that you needed to get to school early (with Emily's knowledge). When you were talking with Emily last night and she told you that she was riding with Hailey and you didnt even get offered a ride, sorry kid "I AM PISSED". How long did they know that Emily's Dad was gonna drive? Why the fuck were you not offered one since I have taken Emily and Hailey on a few occasions, not to mention the one hour away meeting. Sorry but that has just set me off. Now I know this is out of my anger, because I know when the day comes I will say sure, but dont even think about Hailey getting in my car again and I am so close to saying that about Emily too. This shit that is going on with you guys is nothing but alot of stupid bullshit. I dont know why Emily is withdrawn from you. I could give you advice, but it would all be assumtions. But you know enough is enough. The only phone call you get from her anymore are "Can your mom drive me home from tennis tomorrow". Fuck it all, move on, quit trying to figure it out, cause honestly, at this point, do you really want to continue this cycle that you and Emily have created. Ya know I have always loved Emily like a daughter, but as you grow, she is always taking steps back away from you and moving back into Sam.
She always blames you girls getting boyfriends and how you change. But look back on things. it was Sam ignored her with this guy and that guy. When you went out the Chris it was you ignoring her. But as I recall it all. Emily is the one who withdrawls. She just has a way of making it look like it is your fault to her parents so the give her advice to comfort her. I am done for now cause I have to leave, but this is going to stop.
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(no subject)

Dear You,

You have no idea how useless I feel around you. I seriously doubt you're trying to make me feel useless and obsolete, but then again, maybe that was your intent. I have no idea how you'd react if you found out how I feel, but all I know is whenever you're around, I feel like crap. And I shouldn't, but I do.

I mean, we have so much in common. Really: everything in common. It's kind of freaky. At first, when I met you a few weeks ago, I thought it was an opportunity to make a friend; now I see that I'm wrong. I couldn't be more wrong. You're a nice enough person, but I can never be your friend. I'd hate having this feeling of uselessness around all the time.

It's like that song; "anything you can do, I can do better" only in reverse. We like all the same things, but you're so much better at all of them. Or maybe you're not better... but you get a lot more compliments on your talent. People are always telling you how great you are, and it never goes to your head or anything, but I just get the feeling that though we share talents... you're better.

And it's not just in that. You're better than me in every other area, too. I'm smart? You're smarter. I have good conversational skills? You still whoop me ass. People say I can be pretty if I try- people already tell you you're beautiful. I'm jaded, but you're insightful and wise. My hair is always a mess but yours is described as "casually elegant". I'm funny. You're hillarious. You beat me out everywhere, in everything. And people like you better. You have friends; you're the kind of girl people want to be best friends, the kind of girl guys get crush on for your brains and your bod. I'm the kind of girl people avoid, the kind of girl guys look over. I'm weird. You're unique. I'm grumpy and angsty, you're bright band friendly.

And then when we're with a group of friends and you're there... they always talk to you. When you're around, people seldom look in my direction. Everyone looks to you for the laughs, for the insight, for the friendliness, for the good advice; and no one listens to a word I say. And then when you leave... suddenly all eyes are on me. You're gone; I have to fill your shoes. I'm expected to be as good as you, but I'm not even half as good. But no matter how hard I try to be as great a person as you are,it's never never ever enough. When you come back, all eyes are on you, and I'm invisable again.

I know this sounds angsty. I knooow. I'm angsty lately. But you're a really nice person. A great person. We have so much in common. And I really wish I could be your friend, but as long as everyone sees you as better than me... I don't think I can stomach standing in your shadow.


I've already forgotten how I used to feel about you...

To anyone who ever has a roommate in a dorm:

- Don't make out while the other person is in the room
- See above, only add "while the other person is trying to sleep"
- See the first one, only add "so loudly that you're audible even when the other person has headphones on"
- See the first, and add "especially if the other person dated your boyfriend for two years and was deeply in love with him"
- If you disobey the first and the other person displays obvious signs of disgust and frustration such as being unable to sleep for two damn hours or slamming the door or calling a friend in the middle of the night, discontinue.

Thanks a lot, roommie.

(no subject)

dear you,
okay, you do not love him. you're so fucking desperate, you can't handle not having a boyfriend and it's really pathetic. i REALLY don't think you love him, or even like him for that matter. you think you do because you miss having a boyfriend but you need to get over it. you're single, DEAL WITH IT. you're the most dependent person i've ever met.