I just need to stop worrying so much. No more obsessing over how I feel about you. It's not going to help me right now. I just need to concentrate on my studies and wish for you to be home early all in my head. I love you, yes, but I don't know if it's ever going to be something. So until you're back, I'm just going to play it safe.
New Mexico is a bit far from me. I know that you'll be back in about a month, hopefully, but I don't know... when you get back, I want you to see me as who I am. I know you SEE me, but you don't "see" me- atleast I don't think you do.
I'm unlike any girl you've met, nor been involved with. In any shape or form. Go figure that I'm the most ordinary out of them all. But I like myself. And I can't change myself.
I think this is the last time I'll be writing any of you letters.
Honestly.. you are one of the best friends I ever could have asked for. I love you so much it's ridiculous.. you're my little sister, my only little sister. I'm sorry.. and I hope the next letter at least explains some of the things I've tried to say before.
Wow. I'm actually writing a letter I intend on giving you. You don't know it... but I wrote you a lot of letters. Never on paper though. I can't do that... I just wanted to give you the courtesy of saying goodbye. I mean, I don't know for sure whether or not you meant it... but having the last thing you'd said to me be "Fuck you. Goodbye Breezy." makes this a lot easier than it normally would have been.. you know that? I initially planned on sending everyone important to me a generic "If you were important enough to receive this, guess fucking what!" type message... I don't think that would have gone over any better than the purpose of writing this, though. =\ I don't know... I really don't know what to tell you. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sorry. At all.
You know.. one of the biggest factors in this is how you treated me today. All I did was try to help you figure out why she hadn't called you yet. A cardinal sin? No... just apparently forbidden. Because it's defending her. Because it's giving her the benefit of the doubt, because it's having some fucking faith. I love you, Mason. But I think you used me. Almost like what Liz did to me.. how she thought she loved me because she wanted to get rid of her feelings for you. I think you might have done the same.. except in your case it's a thousand times worse. Because I fell in love with you. In your case, it hurt me far more than Liz ever could. Tell me.. was it on purpose? Did you not care what it would do to me? After all the times you assured me you weren't fucking with me.. Those were fucking LIES? You assured me you wouldn't hurt me.. that you actually cared. I trusted in you unconditionally.. I took your word for everything. Was it all fucking lies? I've been thinking a lot about it.. and in some ways, it would make sense that maybe you were just using me to get over her. In some ways, not so much. Like the fact that you told me before you were even dating her that you loved me..
I hope you know that I really do love you unconditionally.
Like.. when you justified your taking everything out on me with the fact that you only ever talk to me, Liz, and Chris. What the fuck? How the hell is that justified? YOU AND LIZ ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE I TALK TO. I don't take things out on either of you. ESPECIALLY not you. I can't really see that as justification, but whatever. Seems I'm never right. I tried to tell you that there was nothing you could do to make me care any less. It doesn't make sense, I know. I care about you more and more every fucking day.. and I think that fucks me over because I don't think you realize how much it hurts and how hard it hits me every single time you tell me fuck you. And last night..? Every other thing you said to me was "fuck you." Unprovoked... and it hurt. It hurt a lot. And the other day..? Saturday. You fucking told me that you HATE ME. And then not an hour later, after you're in a fucking GREAT mood once again, it's "Well you know, if you need me you can call me anyway." I learned the hard way with you that if you're not okay, if you're mad at me, even if I need you it's best to stay away until you're not pissed any more.. And earlier tonight? You became unidle maybe a minute before my sister called me in to talk to her. And when I did get back you had said "...Or you can not IM me." What the fuck, Mason. You had just told me FUCK YOU EVERY OTHER SENTENCE. You honestly don't understand why I'm afraid to talk to you sometimes? Fuck..
I'm sure there's a lot more to say... but I'm not going to. It hurt when you apparently took what I said as saying you're not worth my time. You are everything to me. You're more than worth it. It's me who isn't worth YOUR time. I just wish I could have been good enough, Mason.. I wish I could have been who you needed. Who you wanted. Who you loved.
No one could have ever taken your place in my heart or in my life, Mason. I'm sorry you never realized how much I truly care about you..