dear you, i hate when you say things like that. it makes me feel like you don't care about me at all. okay, i know you love drugs or whatever, but do you really care more about them than you do about me? because if you do, tell me and i'll stop wasting your time with my presence. -me
dear you, 2 days until i see you. 2 days until he starts to realize he wants you back. you know you're the luckiest girl in the world? let's switch lives. -me
It has been a year since I've seen you. The last I heard was that you were living in a Motel 6 in Buena. You may have forgotten me, but not a day goes by when I don't think of you. And with the new school year starting tomorrow, I will only think of you more.
I remember last year... Although I knew you were gone, I would still look for you everyday after homeroom. Scanning through the crowd, searching for your face, only to be late for Dance class again. I even tried opening your locker. Yes, I still remember the combination. I must have tried to open it everyday. But it never opened. The school must have changed the combo. I hated them for it, too. The last thing I had to remember you by and they took it away from me. Now I have nothing.
And I will still look for you anxiously everyday in the halls after homeroom. You're in room 216 this year, only 11 doors down from mine. And maybe tomorrow I will see you in that room. Sitting in your seat, your greasy black hair hanging in your face as usual, as you fiddle with those stupid plastic bracelets that you insist on wearing. Or maybe you won't be there at all. Maybe it will just be another boy who looks like you or my mind will be playing tricks on me again.
Part of me is hoping that you won't be there. Maybe because I'm afraid of how you have changed. Or perhaps because I haven't changed at all - that I'm still the same clumsy, oblivious, naive girl you used to know. Maybe because I want you to see me for the strong, determined person I really am. I hope that one day that I will see you again. And I can look at you and say, "It's good to see you again, Steven."
Mason. my best friend.. The boy I happen to be in love with,
Once again, I'm sitting here writing you a letter you'll never read anyway. Once again, I'm saying what's- for just over a month now- been a very taboo thing to say to you. I love you. I'm in fucking love with you.
Do you have any idea how bad you scared me on Thursday night..? And then Friday morning, couldn't even remember? Fuck.. I don't know if you were lying to me or what, but god.. You know I can't handle losing you. We've talked about this... you say I don't need you, but I do. And like you said to me.. even if I didn't need you, even if I just chose to keep you around.. in a way, wouldn't that be better? I don't know. Maybe I'm just stupid, maybe I'm just naive..
I really have no idea where I'm going with this. Usually my letters to you are long, drawn out, and well thought out.. this time, not so much. I'm going on four days with only the three hours of sleep I got this morning after texting you.. it's not my fault. Haha. Fuck, I don't even know any more.. I don't know what to do with myself. In the car on the way down here, all I did was think about you. I kept getting distracted from my book.. just thinking about what you might be doing, if you were okay, if you were having a good time with Liz.. I really hate how you always throw it in Liz's face how important you are to me... almost like you're.. trying to make me less important to her? It just really hurts her.. because I think she knows.. but I don't think she needs a constant reminder. I've explained to you before my position on this. I've explained to you before- on more than one occasion- that with me, when I spend less time with someone, I don't care less about them.. I care more. Once I truly care about someone, just not spending as much time with them isn't going to make me care any less. Especially not in your case. You're special. ^^
I really don't have much to say in this one aside from Ilove you.
I'm not okay. I love you. I'm sorry I have such a hard time explaining things to you... but I'm working on it.