August 30th, 2006


Just breathe...

Wonderful -

She likes you back. You should be...happier.

I'm disgustingly jealous. I've never felt such jealousy before. I almost cried when I hugged you yesterday. I'm almost crying now because you weren't awake when I went to visit you...I suppose I should have known. It was 1:30 am. I just feel odd. Like I need to talk to you. I don't know what about, though.

It's these familiar sounds and smells. The good and bad feelings are just rushing through my entire body...can you believe I imagined sleeping next to you? And that was so uncomfortable.

If there would be no negative consequences, I'd kill myself. There would be positive things happening all over. If there were no grief and it weren't a sin...I mean, think of it. The two of you wouldn't feel awkward and would be free to persue whatever, Michael (not that you care) wouldn't waste so much time and money on me and could search around for some other girl like me, one less mouth to feed on weekends for my family (assuming my loans were magically paid off).

Why do you mean so damn much to me? I feel like you're the most important person in the world to you're more important that my boyfriend, best friend, and family somehow. I don't want that. It makes sense...I placed you in higher regaurd than God. Not'll ever realize.

I'm tired of loving you.
baseball is love

(no subject)

you left for college today, and i never got to kiss you goodbye. actually, i never got to kiss you at all. i dont know if you wanted to kiss me, maybe you didnt.. maybe when you leaned over you wanted me to run inside with my insecurity.

but you made me the most secure version of myself ive ever been, and for that i cant thank you enough.

today i told someone that i deserved respect, and i knew it was because of you that i knew i deserved it, because you always told me i did. and i felt so good, and so right, and so much better about myself when i knew i could be worthy of being respected.

and you were the one who believed in me when i doubted myself.

i cant thank you enough, for all that you've changed in me. you might not know, but its a lot. you made me so much better, than ive ever been. and i cant thank you enough.

so thank you. im sending you kisses, and best wishes, and pretending you're not thousands of miles from me, instead of right down the street.

i miss you dreadfully.

[ps, im new here, and i cant thank you enough for letting me write that.]
swing life away

Part Two

Dear boy,

You ARE avoiding me. And you lied to me. I just found out.

I did nothing to you to deserve this heartache that I'm feeling.

I wish I knew why you don't want to talk to me anymore.

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