Thanks...you're practically the only outlet I have for these emotions. When I write in here, it's because things hit me all of the sudden, and I really don't want to put them in a hand-written journal. Also, writing things in letter form makes it a lot easier to spout emotions, I think.
dear you, people keep telling me that you lie about everything and i REALLY do believe you, but i'm scared that one day i'll find out that you actually were lying. she told me so much stuff tonight and i really don't know how i trust you but i still do. if you've been lying all along tell me right now before it gets worse. -me
I really don't understand you, you know. At all. I don't understand how you can lie to my face about the things I call you on... how you can lie to my face about trying to leave me? I was flat out told that you were talking to Nick and said something along the lines of, "You know, the only reason I'm such an asshole to her is because I think maybe it'll make her start caring less. Maybe it'll help her get over me." I call you on it.. and you lie to me. There are so many things pointing out that you've been trying to leave me.. I could be your friend. I honestly could. But you won't let me. I'm losing my best friend and the guy I love more than anyone and anything.. because you're dating someone else. Because you throw yourself into her and I'm not as important any more.
I think the hardest part is the fact that she literally can't leave me. That she can't leave me, no matter what I do to her, no matter what I say.. she would never even THINK of abandoning me.. I'm so fucking important to her, but to you- who claimed at one point to be in love with me- not so fucking much. Why is that? YOUR GIRLFRIEND WON'T LEAVE ME BUT YOU WILL. That fucking hurts. Did you just fucking lie to me for MONTHS? You first told me you loved me in May. You didn't decide you "couldn't" love me any more until the end of July. The beginning of August. So did you lie? Were you fucking with me? I know you love me. Maybe not how I love you, but I at least know you love me...
Little things you do make both me and Liz wonder. ARE you still in love with me? Like when I was babbling and I said something like "Because we know you love Liz, not me an-" And you cut me off, "You KNOW I love you. It's NOT that I don't love you." What was that about? You knew I meant you weren't IN love with me. I told you about Ryan. Every time I tell you another guy's even been LOOKING at me, or someone asked me out, you freak out.
I told you about Ryan, you immediately got defensive and said, "I'm not trying to be an asshole or tell you not to do anything, but saying yes to him would make you seem like a liar because of all you've said to me. It would make you seem like you didn't really feel the way you say you did." The way I still DO? Why do you think I haven't said yes? WHY do you think I told you I couldn't say yes to them? None of them could even begin to compare to you.
No guy anywhere could compare to how you make me feel. Whether things between us are good or bad, nobody has made me feel anything like you can. Not hurt, not love, not happiness.. There's a reason that today when Ryan said he was falling for me I immediately freaked out and decided I couldn't talk to him any more. It's best to just stop it now because, due to how I feel for you, I could never feel much of anything for him. I could never be happy with just anyone. I need you. I can't lose you. I told you before I'm happy with just having you there as my best friend..
Whether I'm yours or not, you'll always be my baby. You're the only person to ever call me that that hasn't gotten hit. I loved it when you called me baby. When you told me you were in love with me.. That shocked me.. it really did. I was mostly asleep.. and I can still hear your voice.. how it sounded, how you tried to make sure I wouldn't hear you.. It was cute how shocked you were. How when I said, "I really do love you too" I pictured you doing a doubletake when you said "...Wait, what?" Even when I was high.. when I couldn't remember shit other people would say to me.. every word you've said to me then has stuck out in my mind. I can't forget it. I can't forget you.. I can't forget how you make me feel. I remember when it used to be me who you went to when you were upset.. when you couldn't calm down or you were scared... you always went to me. Then it all of a sudden just.. stopped.
It kinda sucked how, RIGHT before I went to get on my plane home I said to you, "I'm going to need you when I get home.. I'm going to need you, I'm going to miss you so much.." and you promised you'd be there. You fucking promised me you'd help me and be there for me. Then that night and every night afterward I had to cry myself to sleep because you spent all of your time with Liz. The day after you get so angry at her, you called her a cunt, you told her you hated her... and after I spend six hours on a plane home, everything's different. It hit me like a motherfucking slap in the face. The fact that I needed you wasn't enough for you. As long as you have her, you're fine. You don't need anyone else. I doubt you've ever needed me the way I do you.
I'm nowhere near finished.. but I can't fucking do this any more.