dear ashley, i'm sorry i walked out...i really am. you know you're my best friend and i love you more then anything but that hurt so bad! i don't change myself, not on purpose. and it just hurt to here you take the side of those who hate me. i still want to hang out tomarrow, but i'm not talking. not because i'm mad...just because everyone seems to like me better that way.
dear william, i haven't talked to you in two days. plus you refuse to tell me how you feel about me...do you not want to hurt my feeligs or are you afraid of your own? everyone in dewitt can tell we belong together...why is it so hard for you to fathom that?
dear mom, you haven't called to ask me how i was in about a week...what's up with that? i knew you were incapable of being there for me. you nevr have been. and you wonder why i don't care about what you have to say...
I know I sometimes go on about being a lover of art and the written word, but...
Secretly I wish I were normal. Secretly, I wish I were like everyone else in my age group; But life has never let me. Why do I always have to be different? Why do I always have to be the odd one out? It used to be because I looked different, but now, I look like everyone else. I dress casually, but nothing tacky. I don't stand out in the crowd. I'd say I blend in pretty well. Normal face, normal-colored hair, normal everything.
It's just when people get to know me, I'm always "weird". Maybe sometimes it's "creative". Maybe sometimes it's "full of ingenuity" or "marching to the beat of her own drum". Often "artistic". And I kind of like it, sometimes. But why can't I just be normal? Why can't I hear words like "nice" or "pretty" or "funny" or "friendly"? Why can't I be summed up in those kinds of adjectives?
I know, I'm special. I have a unique talent. I know I should appreciate it. I know people tell me how lucky I am; I know a lot of interesting stuff and I'm fun and engaging to talk to and I have lots of opinions, and I'm pretty down-to-earth, and I'm not as shallow as most kids today, and I never judge by looks, and I disregard bad first impressions. I know more about the world than most kids my age. I don't care about the kind of things kids care about. I see the world differently. I can paint pictures with words and tell stories with pictures, going both ways. I'm something new. I'm something different. I'll probably go far. I'm an artist, and artists feel in different ways the rest of the world does. It's a gift. It's a talent. It sets me apart from most of my classmates and most of my friends. I try to accept it and put my best foot foreward, even though most of the world doesn't accept me; even though most people just label me as weird or socially-retarded-blah and stick me in the "uber-social-pariah bin" or whatever. I really try to accept it. I try to use my talents and ignore those who seek to hurt me and accept that I've always been different and I'll always be different.
"It's a gift. A gift. A gift. Not many people have this kind of natural artistic talent this developed at this age. A gift. I'm lucky to have it. Lucky to be different. Lucky. It's a gift." I have to remind myself that over and over every day, over and over because sometimes being this different, this "weird" is so hard to handle it makes me want to just give up trying to be a kid and leave school all together.
But so many times I wish I could just drop my talent and my creativity and my budding "depth" and just be like everybody else. I wish I could feel the way they feel. I wish I could go shopping and chatter about fasion and go to parties and drink beer out of paper cups and meet boys and hang out with the girls and kiss and have a normal family and a group friends rather than only one or two and a normal life just like the people I see living them every day. I wish more than anything I could stop being me and be just like everyone else. I wish I could stop being different. I wish I could stop being "weird" or a "freak" just because I see the world differently. I wish I could be like everyone else around me.
I wish I could be like everyone else so, so bad, it hurts like hell that I have to go back to school in a few days and watch everyone live life the way I've always wanted to, but I have been long since labelled, so I just never can. I know I sound like an emo whiner, but I'm really not usually like this. It's just after a whole summer of seeing only who I want to see and being with just those who support me, now I have to go back and walk the gauntlet and I'm under a lot more emotional pressure than I usually am.
And I really, really wish I could be like my peers. But that would mean giving up everything that makes me, me.
And that just won't work.
Love, -The Scowling, Cynical, Yet Secretly-Yearning Artist
dear _letterstoyou_ sisters, i need your help. you see, i don't ahve any friends that are hooked up on livejournal (well, not anymore). but i write on lj because i need the feedback that you can only get from perfect strangers that just want to help. so please sisters, if you have the time one day, go on my journal and read it and comment, like i do yours. i really need the feedback...