August 6th, 2006

poison

(no subject)

dear you,
it seems like every day we drift apart a little more. i'm really scared of losing you cos you're my best friend and i honestly don't know what i'd do. you keep appologizing for being on the phone, or just saying "mhmm" and not being much help; i forgive you. just... we have to find a way to fix this distance. i feel so weird now leaving you emails and such, cos they just don't have the same meaning like they used to.
i could go into the whole self-bashing thing and say it was my fault that we're like this, and it all has something to do with what i told you two weeks ago about concepts. but i don't think it is.
it's probably just the summer going to our heads. could be that every time we've tried to make plans something goes wrong. ((i even saw L before i've seen you again. --i didn't think that would happen considering.... well, anyway, i miss you.))
yeah, some would say summer's brought us closer, but tear-choked voicemails and awkward "dates" aren't exactly what i'd thought communication w/you would be like this summer.
maybe it's me. and maybe i'm overthinking this entire thing. probably. but it still feels weird to just talk like we used to.
it all should just go away by the time we see each other as sophomores when school starts again, and the environment is what we're used to, but i'd hate to wait that long.
i feel kinda stupid now, cos you're gna comment and assure me that it's not like that, and you love me sooo much and i should never doubt that. i just don't want to lose the closest thing i've ever had to being normal. to lose the one person who's helped me through so much this year...
i know it would never get to a point where we stop talking altogether, but i miss that instant contact.
fuck. i don't know if i should send this to you and tell you how i feel, cos if i don't i'll be as bad as her. but i don't want to bring it up cos then it's like you have to prove to me that it's really not like this and go out of your way to show me. i don't want that. really. i just want it to be normal and not know that i'm having the summer from hell.
okay?
love always, (A-L-W-A-Y-S)
me.
p.s. no capital letters --this isn't rebecca syndrome. this isn't me pissed off. this is just me being stupid. deb, i didn't mean to hurt you. ♥
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matrix ♥

(no subject)

You know you've got to decide sooner or later ..... keep trying, or move on??

On the one hand - you like him a lot, and he can be very sweet sometimes. You know you'd be really upset if it ended, especially if he moved onto Liz, which he would. You have tried to talk yourself into ending it before and it totally didn't work. Things might be different in Newquay. But they probably won't be.

On the other hand - you're not happy. You spend all your time worrying about whether or not he really likes you, and stressing out about Liz. He's not the kind of boyfriend you want - he's nice, but you want someone who really wants you, wants to be with you, acts like a boyfriend. Which he clearly doesn't. You're 17, you should be out having fun, not sat at home crying for no reason. You want to be out flirting and having fun. You want to fall head over heels. Things won't be different in Newquay, so give up hoping. He shouldn't have to change, it's just the way he is, you just need something more, and it'll ruin the holiday if you spend the whole time trying to get him to act like a boyfriend. Plus you know evenutally the whole Liz thing will drive you completely insane.

.........................but then I guess you do reaallly like him.


9 months ... you still don't know if the happiness is worth the heartache.

Is it worth carrying on?? Will it make you happiest in the long run??

Decide. Before it's too late, and the whole year's gone to waste.


Love from the annoying little voice inside your head. xx