July 24th, 2006

(no subject)

Dear you;

I guess I was wrong. I guess you were happy with where you were at, what you were doing, who you were with. I guess I never mattered.
I mean, it's fine, in the big scheme of my life. Honestly, boys will come and go, and you being one of them, but this time I just thought it was more. Not love exactly, just, a meaningful thing.
I can understand, how you got annoyed. I mean hell, I get annoyed with myself more than I do with anyone else. I mean, look at my qualities. Loud, rude, cussing, just obnoxious.
I am me, nonetheless. And when you told me you wanted me, I thought you meant all of me. I guess just the parts you liked.
I guess I was wrong, and I don't know if I was ever right.

Either way, I was ready to take the good with the bad, you just weren't.


(no subject)

Dear hon,
I deserve to be happy and you're not making me happy. It's not just a passing thing. it kills me to have to do this when I see you but I can't do it now. I can't do it until I atleast get back to school and I wish I could just get it over with.

Dear other guy,
How I wish I could have stayed on your sofa forever. Just being next to you calms me down. You say little things that just make me smile and you don't even try to do it. Our past has both good and bad times but i wish we weren't oh so far apart once school starts. I wish what is starting right now could continue. I wish I didn't see you and smile instantly. i wish i didn't have these wishes. Oh man what have you done to me that I'm writing this. You won't see this but I want to say thanks. Thanks for making me completely comfortable with who I am and who used to be. You make me feel safe andyou make things seem perfect for those hours I'm with you. I couldhave watched movies with you forever just to sit next to you. We weren't even doing anything. My head was inches from your shoulder and all I could think about was how perfect it all felt. You're what I've always wanted. I just wish I believed in happy endings or I could tell you all this without stepping over a line. I think you knew today that I wouldn't have tried to stop you last night. If you had grabed my hand I wouldn't have pulled away.

I know people will say that I shouldn't have let you back into my life but I had to. You're the only person who's given me motivation. The only person I truely never wanted to see unhappy. the only person that could look at me and make me melt. I can't get over that fact about you. I just wish out timing would work out for once. But until it does I'm content with watching movies with you or just sitting on the sofa. I don't want fancy entertainment. I just want you around.


Dear Boyfriend

I'm sorry. I want to blame it on anyone else. But I can't. It's me. I'm the one screwing this up. I want to be perfect. Better than her. I want to be so much better. I want to be the thing you cherish.. But i'm too screwed up. Im crazy.. I'm on fucking anti-depressants for god sakes! I want to stop taking them but I can't.. Ive gone for 2 days without them and i'm getting mad over nothing and getting agitated at every little thing. I don't know if it's even that. And I  know you've noticed. I don't  want to admit this because then you would know im crazy.. then you would break up with me. Then i wouldn't be perfect.  You are so kind and caring and wonderful to me. So wonderful. I kow you don't want me to be perfect. I dont like explaining this kind of thing because im not good at it. I don't want to be.I don't like the way i treat you sometimes. You don't deserve it at all and i know your wondering what did you do wrong..Please don't wonder. I know you did that enough with her. Please just forget tonight. I'm trying, I really am. I love you. Please don't ever think different. Maybe we're just spending too much time together. We do spend every day, most all day together. Maybe that's not it either. Maybe i'm just over reacting.. I want to hold you and smell you and kiss you and pretend this never happened. You're wonderful. Beautiful inside and out and you deserve the best and I want to give that to you. I want you to have fun with me.. I want you to be ecstastically happy with me. Am I expecting too much? Please forgive me. I love you.

You're faithful and loving girlfriend,

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