July 23rd, 2006

connor O

let it go

Its only been a month into summer... So much has happened. prom was AMAZING. The after party could have had a little less drama.. But life goes on. I understand you being hurt and angry, but i think its time you let it go. NO more threats we dont have time for this. a 12 year friend ship should not be thrown away, cause of one incident. This is the way we feel, no one can help that. You say I dont understand what you are going through... I have been there before, my bf of almost 2 years cheated on me with one of my closest friends. There was no cheating in this situation, we werent even dating. I am sorry for what happened. Its in the past no one can fix it. Your hand? No i don't feel bad for that. That was your choice, the way you acted upon the situation broke your hand. No one told you do go mad and start punching things. Yes I have sympathy for your pain, but i will not be apoligizing for your broken hand.

I went away to cuba and had the time of my life... I met tonz of new people. Surprisingly i forgot about some of the bull that has been lingering around me. Then i came home and BAM its all back where i left it. It made me wish i was right back on that beach with new people. People who dind't know about us, people who didn't judge me or hold my actions against me. You have made this whole situation harder for your self, and every one around you. Do you really think that dragging this out will make things better? NO it is only making it worse for your self. To be honest, I am happy right now. I wish that you could find some one to take your mind of things so you can be happy too. We just didnt work out, it didnt feel right. I was too bussy, it was for the best.

I just wish that i could get things through your head easier... I dont think any thing made sence for you, which is fine. I just wish you asked for more of an explanation, instead of pretending you knew what was going on. It never hurts to ask. You went out of your way to download unfaithful by rihanna and blare it right infront of me.. I got the message, I know thats not a song that you would actually listen to. You just dont get it do you? I DID NOT cheat on you, we weren't dating when i kissed him, we had been broken up for 2 or 3 weeks. Then you try and say that I kissed him once before while we were dating. Well i hope you know that, that is complete bull. You know what..just let your self think that. I know what it feels like to be cheated on.. And I felt like complete shit. You are making your self feel that way for no reason. I never cheated on you, and i would never cheat on any one.

I really did think that you were a nice guy. Now.. by the way you have been acting. I think you have something seriously wrong with you. Every one understands that you are feeling pain, and you feel betrayed... But saying that you are going to run some one over with your car? There has to be a problem upstairs... You compaired this to the Holocaust, not even close. Please just stop. I don't want any one to get hurt.. I just want every one to be at peace. I think we have all had enough. You are still fuming about something that happened one month ago today... Its over and done with.. please, just let it go.. We just graduated high school, we have our entire lives ahead of us. To grow, find true love, get married, and have a family. Theres no need for any of this, one day when u are older you will look back and laugh, and think "what was i thinking?"..

Its time for us to move on.. forget that incident, and go on with our lives. I wish you the best. I hope you find some one, who will be crazy about you, and do a good job of showing it. Some one who "clicks" with you better. Some one who you are meant to be with.

Good bye.
  • Current Music
    Pink Floyd- Wish you were here
Cheshire- Grin

mental vomit


This is scaring me, I thought we had worked through that little hiccup in our relationship and that everything was on track. Yet I still feel like you might be avoiding me. Are you really that busy? Or are you still ignoring some of my calls? I know the answer, but I haven't been able to see you since that talk and it makes me wonder if maybe you really do have the wool pulled over my eyes. I'm always so confident and now I'm finding that I need just this little bit of reasurance to get me back on my feet. I wish you would unbusy yourself for an hour, just so I can see you. I miss you so much. I want to tell you that I love you again. I think that's what's bothering me the most. You are the one who started saying I love you, before we even started dating technically. You are the one who had so much confidence in our relationship. Who dared to say that he would tattoo my name as proof. Who said he wanted to marry me. In one weekend you took all of that back. I'm fine with that. I just wish I could tell you one more time that I love you. Just once. I understand that we are moving slow, since we moved into everything too quickly. You weren't afraid of getting hurt and you didn't mind that maybe things might not go to plan and we might not marry and have kids. (we even picked names... He likes Haley and I like Gabiel. =( ) Then you thought about me, and how you have a tendency to break girls hearts, and you realized you didn't want that for me, you cared too much for me to get hurt like that. It doesn't matter that I took that same risk. That we are all too similar. I break hearts too and I don't want to do that to you. I suppose that it doesn't matter that I risked a lot in dating you. I almost lost my BEST friend. I looked like a complete bitch to my ex, who, might I add, I had just broken up with days before I started dating you. I ruined friendships, all because of you. I knew you were special. I knew you would be something great in my life. And yes, although I wasn't the first to say it (I would have never told you until we had been dating for years) I did think that I could marry you. Now we are moving slowly and I feel so self conscience. I don't know whether to call you or not, to leave a message or not. I'm tempted to ride to your house just to see you. I miss you so much, we haven't seen each other in almost a week and the fact that we had this slowing down conversation makes me hurt more. I don't NEED you to be happy. But goodness, you sure help. I've never smiled or laughed so much as when I'm with you. You just have this attitude about life that makes me feel alive. The way you touch me doesn't make me feel like a whore, you make me feel wonderful and beautiful. For once in my life a man has said that we were making love, not just fucking. Do you know what that means to me? I can live off of replaying that memory in my mind. I was so shocked when you told me too, that this kind of sex was making love. I remember everything we do crystal clear. I'm addicted to this feeling. I feel like I can be with you forever. Why do you have to complicate things by trying to protect me? What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. You tell me that all of the time. Why can't our relationship apply to that? I want to have you for as long as I can, and if I get my heartbroken, I'll survive and I'll eventually move on. I don't need protecting, I don't need to have us end now before we become too attached because I already am too attached, and you know it. I don't care if when you go into the SEALS you'll not see me for ages because if we are still dating at that point, three years from not, I'd wait for you. If I'm dating you in three years, I want to marry you. I'd wait for as long as it would take. Please let us go back to how we were a week ago. I miss you. I don't want to take it slow because the way we talked we're only short of moving in together. You can't go to the begining after that, I can't make those feelings disappear so quickly. It's hard to slowly move back up to that when I want to just right back in like nothing happened. It's 2:15 in the morning. Eight hours ago you said you'd call me back. Don't break a promise. I know you're busy but I'm your baby, your beautiful. I'm your hummingbird. Make time for me.

I love you.

Forever and ever, babe.


(no subject)

Dear Tim,

What will it take for you to realize that magic is NEVER a good reason to not be there when I need you. What needs to happen? Do I have to get in some serious car accident where I'm rushed to the hospital and you don't know about it all cause you couldn't answer your phone during a magic tournament?? Will that get the point across...will that make you understand? The funny thing is your excuse of not being able to answer the phone doesn't even apply in this case cause I didn't call you...I text messaged you and last time I checked you get little periods in between rounds where you could check your phone and text me back or call, but you didn't. When I was hysterically upset and having the shittiest day with everything just falling down around me...you weren't there. All because you were playing some stupid game and "couldn't answer your phone", which as I said before doesn't even make sense since I didn't call.

But even if I had called...not being able to answer your phone still wouldn't be a good excuse. What are they going to do...kick you out of the tournament for picking up your phone? And even if they would...I'd like to think that in the scheme of things getting kicked out a tournament wouldn't be nearly as big of a deal or important to you as being there when I need you most.

I sat home all night crying on and off feeling like nobody gives two shits about me and seeing how no one is around when I need them...and it all got made worse when the one person that I always thought was supposed to be there when I need them...when my world just comes falling down and I'm feeling like total shit...it all got made worse when that one person, just like everyone else I know, wasn't around when I needed him. In fact, he was nowhere to be found.

But I digress...I should understand...right? And you...you should just say you're sorry with a bunch of "but's" added in and basically show no real form of understanding whatsoever.

You really hurt me...and yet you don't seem to understand that all and that just hurts even worse.

~Side Note: This isn't meant to start a fight this is meant for venting purposes only...and maybe a little in the hopes that for once I can finally get through to you and make you realize how easily you put magic before me and make that of more importance than I am...whether it's intentional or not does not matter. I love you nonetheless.~
  • Current Mood
    rejected rejected

(no subject)


i love you so much it hurts.
no matter what, i'll always take you back.
you know this.
i know this.
it hurts me more than you know.
is it for real this time?
well, then, prove it.  'cuz i can't do this again.
...but i will anyway.

love always,
your rainbow,