June 14th, 2006


(no subject)

i think i'm going out of my mind.

i just can't seem to really have motivation to do anything.
i space out all the time about absolutely nothing.
my friends don't even make me laugh the way they used to.

but i'm not sure it's depression.
it could be bipolar-disorder, cos there are some times when i get manically hyper for no apparant reason.
it could even be schizophrenia (okay, dire extreme, but still possible.)

it has nothing to do with brian anymore. g-d no.
it's got nothing to do with the fact that i realized nothing will happen between us. i'm slowly trying to get him out of my head and move on, which is proving near impossible.
there seems to be one cure: find anothr guy.
but i don't like L just cos i'm getting over brian. i would never do that.
truth is, i liked him at the beginning of the year, but dismissed it as a superficial thing cos i didn't even know him. but now that i do, i have reason to say that i do. and furthermore, i'm not just being a stupid girl. i've got to know that i can get up each time i fall.

webMD or whatever: wtf is going on with me?????

separate issue:
wtf am i gna do about L?
i recently started hanging out with him. i realized that what she told me about him was true. we really would make an awesome pair (and sooo double date, right deb?) okay. so i like him. i've still got to get over brian so i don't have any attatchments to "what should have been" anymore. now i live in the present, where here and now i (should be)/am in "control"... can i handle that?

((this is kinda a rant to myself, but feel free to comment anyway, cos i'm still a little confused about self-diagnosing mental disorders.))
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(no subject)

dear einstein,
i'm going stir crazy in my own house. i can't find anything to do and i think i'm going out of my mind. i have to stop myself before doing something incredibly stupid. too many things i've just realized...... too many things are going on. i don't want to deal with it, regardless of whether i can handle it or not. i didn't want to wake up today. i keep thinking if i talk to someone i will just totally rip their heads off and tear them apart. i don't want to do that, but i can't stay by myself. i think i'm a threat to myself now. its a horrible thought, to be a danger to yourself, but home alone in a house full of scary things i can't control. i want to have that control. i want to be able to back up from this tailspin and crash and get up and be normal again. only, i never was normal to begin with, so where does that leave me?
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