May 26th, 2006

(no subject)

reading the notebook, makes me want to better explain my thoughts upon you. it'll be nowhere near as poetic, and will reach no real conclusion, but maybe i need to sort them out to get over you. because that is what i need to do.
love is described in many a way, but what is always mentioned is it being a feeling of being incomplete without them. a contentment like no other when you are with them, and a burning passion somewhere within that. and though i don't want to believe i am in love with you, i do feel those things for you. it's rather irritating actually because whenever i'm with you all i want to do is lie in your arms and sleep while you play with my hair. but you don't want to do that, and so i am frustrated and never truely comfortable with you. it's quite torturous actually. being with you that is. it makes me incredibly sad to know i can't touch you, or kiss you or say what i'm thinking because...you don't seem to care. can one love a person if the other is apathetic towards them? everyone seems to refuse the idea that people who are not with the person they claim to love are not in love with them. especially in teenagers. and what a patronising idea. why must we disguard another's feelings on the basis that they do not understand it. why must it be understood to be felt? if that were true of everything, then we would be left with no magic in this world. i'm not doing a very good job of unconvincing myself there's even the possibility i like you that intensely.
it's quite crap being with you right now. because...you must know. you're not stupid. you find subtext to everything. and this is where i must tell myself that even though you know you're doing nothing about it. because you do not feel the same. and yet that pesky false hope continues to say you are scared. and every time you touch me you're just increasing that hope. it's quite foolish of me. i'm even so paranoid as to think you and amelia might have done something. and that something happened between you and dave. and the whole karl thing. what the fuck was that. we need a night. we need an honest night. but we haven't had one since the night you practically broke up with me. which was not smooth btw. i need to tell you everything because i'm so sad and i can't change that because i'm sad over you.

but i know i probably won't tell you. i don't have a clue as to what will happen. i have plenty of fantasies. just no predictions.
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