May 14th, 2006

Cheshire- Grin

A simple hug?

Dear you,

I don't know whether to love you or hate you; you make things so difficult for me. I know you know it and I know you love knowing that you are causing some emotional turmoil in me.
I see you almost everyday. Everytime, asking for a hug. And were these only normal hugs like those I share with friends. Of course, they aren't. You have to make your hugs feel wonderful; making me feel safe and loved, you big flirt. I should hate you for it. Because that's all you are, a big flirt. You leave me wanting for more, when I have a boyfriend and don't need you giving me more. I don't need to want you to kiss me or love me. How wonderful would it be if you did? It's so horrible to think that I would want a fling with you, a simple fling without strings attached or hopes of a relationship. I doubt that will happen, my guilt for going against my boyfriend would be too much. Secondly, you probably are only flirting as always, being a huge tease. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, we're practically engaged (as silly as that sounds). The idea of you is just so naughty and fun, I forget my relationship in one hug.
I don't know why I don't just try and pursue some sort of thing with you. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years (it's funny to think about how long and yet how short that is all at once). In that time we've really gotten to know and understand each other better than anyone else ever will. I am bisexual, yet never have gotten far with any woman due to the fact that I started to date him. As such, he thinks that considering the way our relationship is, he wouldn't mind if I had "things" with other people. Now I know that he meant women when he said people, but I can't help but point out that the only thing he was against was me "fucking another man". But sex isn't everything and I could live off of your hugs. If only you would try to get me first. I want a kiss. Are they as wonderful as your hugs?


P.S. I feel like a right child righting this to you, adults do not write this way, do they? My boyfriend must be out of his mind to encourage that sort of relationship. Perhaps he is just a typical guy and wants to hear or see his girlfriend get with other girls. I wouldn't mind that, but now, whenever he hugs me, I think of your hugs. You've got me hypnotized to love them. I hate you.
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(no subject)

Dear Parents.

Thank you for letting me go to Download. :)

Lisa. x!

On the other hand..

Why do you do this to yourself? You work up a script in your head and hope things play out. They do.. and you forget your lines. You become speechless and at a loss for the right words. You're making it a thousand times harder for you and him. Everyone is falling in love and I'm falling out of it. Or am i? Maybe I'm being pathetic. Would you rather lose him altogether or keep him safe as your best friend? You're too scared of how you will cope. How will he feel? How will things play out after? I need him in my life. He has been my drug for over a year. I'm so sorry if I hurt you. You mean the fucking universe to me, I just don't know if I'm in love with you. You have/will given/give me the best and most treasured memories of my life. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.

I love you angel, always and forever. xxxxxxxxx.
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dark fairy



Dear boy,

I can't take it anymore. I made a decision.. not that you noticed. I'm not going to try anymore. I try, non stop, to see you, to just... have thirty seconds with you. I MISS YOU! But, it's not good for me. It's not fair. I can talk to you. And you have the control, because, you know, that in seconds I would be yours.. no questions asked. But you make it so I can't see you. I have all this tension inside me about you. It was never fair when it came to you. There was, for some reason, something standing in the way of us being together. And now, there's not. There's nothing in the way. But, for some reason, you won't let it happen. And that is where my decision came from. I am not going to talk to you. I will no longer try to see you, because it's not fair to be shot down every time. So, you can have me. In any way you want, I'm yours... if you ask. But I'm not going out of my way anymore. This is probably the hardest thing I've done. But, it's been a week so far. I don't even know if you realize that you're losing me. I'm right here, in your grasp, all you have to do is ask and I'm yours, but you're losing me from right in front of you.
So, there it is. You told me how you feel, and I feel the same way. I don't know why we're not doing anything about any of this. It drives me crazy. It's like I want you so bad that I need you. And I try not to; I try to get you off my mind but it never works. You're always right there. In my thoughts. In my dreams. I can't do it.
That is all. I'm here if you want me. If you need me. A part of me will always be waiting.
with love,

please don't drive me home tonight
'cause I don't wanna feel alone
please don't drive me home tonight
'cause I don't wanna go...
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(no subject)

dear ben,
i'm glad you liked your suprise party.
i put a lot of effort into it
&& the look on yr face made my heart smile.
i just wanted you to know that
when i was sitting in yr living room tonight
((watching The Fugitive with you, yr dad && brother))
that when i was playing with your hair,
scratching yr back && neck. . .
i coulda stayed there forever.
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