May 7th, 2006

(no subject)

Dear You,

It's been five months, and it's for sure in the past. We're for sure in the past. I used to want to hate you, force myself to believe that you had made me feel so horrible. But honestly, I know that you did it for me. Maybe I'm really pulling for a reason to justify what happened to us, but I think it has weight. Maybe it's why everything hurt so much when it happened. Maybe it's why I hated you. Because I know now that you really did love me. You wanted the best for me and you wanted me to be more. I had true love with you. You were my true love. I was so confused for the longest time. I didn't understand what was happening, why I wasn't moving on from what happened. I made a mistake that night at the beach, and I am and will be forever sorry. I fully accept it as my fault. I was so scared to let myself completely love you. I'm so sorry. I was a shitty girlfriend to you, no matter how you or anyone else may try to justify it. We should have handled things differently. But I finally realized today that you really did care about me and wanted me to do better. When we finally broke up that night, I was so numb. I was in such shock of what I had done, what we had done. But secretly, I wanted you to argue with me. I wanted to you fight me, yell, scream, show any sign of emotion. I wanted you to be weak and to hurt because I realized that I was. And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I didn't know what I wanted then. I see now that you did what I could never do: let go of the one I love. You let go of me because you loved me. That night you said, "You're going away next year..." And I was so resentful of that. As if going to college was any way to justify breaking up almost a year before. But you were right. If you love someone, you'll always want the best for them, even if it means not being in their life anymore. You wanted me to fully experience my life. But I'm not so sure that I would have left you behind. Thank you. If we hadn't broken up, I would still be green and I would still be an awful girlfriend. I didn't deserve anything. And you offered me the world.