Dear Matt Harmon, Your music makes my heart crumble into a thousand tiny pieces. Please don't ever stop performing. You have a gift that should never be taken for granted. Go out there and show the world what you're made of. But, make it accessible on the internet so I can still listen. Haha.
Dear everyone who will listen to me, I don't know how to articulate anything I really wanna say. I mean, I'm mad at my "father" (if you'd call him that) for being a huge jackass and... I can't bring myself to say it. What else he is. I can't do it. I'm pissed at myself for screwing up everything. I'm hopelessly in "love" with my best friend... who has become distant ever since he's known... And I don't think I can pull it together anymore. I cried today. A lot. I couldn't bring myself out of bed. I sat up against the pillows and stared out the window at the rain... The sky is crying with me. I just feel like I can't put up the wall I've been "protecting" myself with... Being a fake to everyone isn't helping anymore... Yeah, Deb, I know it's not really faking cos I'm "being strong" and all that crap. But I just don't wanna have to deal with it anymore. Everything seems so much easier before my life crashed. I never used to understand the reality of my life until I woke up and saw it spinning out of control. You know what's funny?? I always thought I was in control. I pulled the strings. Me. But it's not true. Everything is out of my hands and I can't do a G-d damned thing to help. I'm shaking right now... Remembering how naive I was... How happy I used to be. Where did that all go? Why am I such a screw up? Not just in school, straight-A girl I used to be, but also in relationships, in everything. I just can't shake the feeling that some of my "friends" are not really my friends. It's been done to me before, and I hate the mind games. Why can't it all just go back to normal and I'll wake up 6 years old again? There are alot of people that hate me. They've made it known. I just want to know why me of all people? I really don't need this shit right now... I've got so much to deal with... And the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets.
Someone... anyone... Tell me you're listening... please.
How are we born into this mess? Christ, this hurts. You've been eating me up so much you're almost swallowing whole. Putting things into perspective, I might be obsessing about all of this. But in as much as i wanted to believe, I'm probably not impressing you with any of my method acting theatrics. But I live in hope. it could just as easily kill me. You always said that you don't have a life. where does that leave me? How often does it happen that you bleed out the meanings of songs take them as your own? Accidents are almost always a guarantee and yet i still can't accept it. I'm just dying from the only good memories that now have made me a drunk. It's been a miserable fight to omit these endless thoughts of you. With a drink in hand, my day begins and ends with the same resolution that I mean nothing to you. and yet despite these reasons, my hands can't seem to stop drawing yours. This is the love that never happens, and I dug myself a grave from this romance. I wanted you and you wanted more. If I added up all the times you looked at me that way, then I'd probably be thousands of feet high. I think we have been too unhappy. So I propose we should just pretend that we're never meant. In fact, we should just pretend that we're nothing at all. Since we only miss the things we can't forget. And maybe I could convince myself that it was all nothing. nothing at all.