April 21st, 2006

Sorry for the essay here

Dear You.

I still cant believe that this has happened. You were the one thing in my life, other than the 3 girls who are the best, that actually made sense. I have a crap job, dropped out college cos I couldnt cope, and now ive lost you.
I know we can be friends but I dont know if I can be. We just talked and it seems like already things are fucked up between us. Maybe we cant be the 'best friends' you said. I was just being naive I guess. Its only been like a day but this is killing me. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me and you made me happier than I had been in a year and now its done.
Today was the hardest thing I think I've gone through. Seeing you was so good but I broke my heart knowing that after you left things wouldnt ever be the same again. I probably shouldnt have kissed you, but you kissed back and then kissed me again. I love it but hate it that I can smell you on my clothes still and that everything in my room reminds me of you.
This is so stupid. Im mad about you, you say your mad about me things could work out I know it cos now we actually have things out in the open for the first time well since we got together. I know why you got mad and upset and the shit about your mum and dad.
I love you more than I thought I did. I thought I knew what it was like to have someone break my heart before but that doesnt even compare to this feeling. This is driving me mad cos all I want to do right now is call you up again and tell you how much I love you but I know it will fuck things up even more. I need your hugs, they make things seem okay.
I hate how dependant I am on you, but I cant help it. I want you back and as bitchy as it sounds I hope that your feeling half as bad as I am and maybe you might reconsider this.
I cant believe I thought I wanted a break from you, now I got it its the farthest away thing I need right now.

Sorry if I made you unhappy or pressured you just mean the world to me.

Love You

  • Current Music
    Foo Fighters <-> Everlong

(no subject)

dear ben,

still lacking that nickname, eh eh??

psssssssssssssssssssssssshhhtttt. i love you?? nah. but i sure as hell am
&& that's kinda scary.

you said three things to me the other day that made me really really really smile. when you grabbed my arm, pulled away my wrist band, stroked the inside of my arm && said "isn't that beautiful??" && i kinda blinked at you, waiting for you to elaborate && you said "the fact that it's skin, not cuts."

you noticed.

the second thing??

when we were standing in yr backyard && you were leaning against yr fence && we were play fighting i asked, jokingly [cosyouneverseriouslyhurtmeeventhoughsometimesigetcarriedaway&&slapyou]]
"why've you always gotta hurt me????" && you replied back "i hurt you because i love you."

i was shocked.

'nother flashback. +weird+

so i said, rolling my eyes "yeah, where have i heard THAT before??" && you were like "from me??" i shook my head && looked to the ground at my feet. then you said that name. you know, of that guy. && i nodded, still looking at my feet. i can't bring myself to look people in the eye when i'm remembering stuff from him && i started to walk back towards the house, then i heard:

"fuck that shit. i hate that kidd. i'd kill him for what he's done to you"

NO ONE, i repeat NO ONE has ever said that about that situation. everyone is always like "well, it's a good thing you got out of it. . ." or something lame like that. but when you said that, then i turned on my heel && threw myself into yr arms (it was one of those moments where i just needed a hug)it made me realize that someone actually cares. for once. {aintthataboutemo??}it was such an amazing feeling.

&& now for the third thing.

when i was sitting on the steps with brian && you were in the tree && you yelled "BEK DO YOU LOVE ME?!" && i shook my head && told you i hated you
*w h y d o i a l w a y s d o t h a t ? ?*
&& you yelled back that actions speak louder then words && i debated, then you hopped outta that tree, flopped yrself into my lap, grabbed my wrist for the second time that night, pulled off my wrist band, but yr hand over those ugly scars && said

"you acted && stopped one action for me. that's love."

&& i guess you're right. i never gave a damn enough to stop self destructing for scott. or anyone else who asked, including three of my best friends.

i dunno, benjamin.

i just dunno.

but you have an amazingly cute smile.

&& an amazing way to get me to stop hurting myself, physically && emotionally.

you're definatly the blood in my IV that keeps me alive.

  • Current Music
    move along- all american rejects

(no subject)

just...stay over.
come over and listen to bright eyes and willie mason in the dark with me.
get into bed with me and forget all of the bullshit denial you've got going on.
prove to me i'm not crazy and son't just have an overactive imagination.
just stay over.

you don't belong where the humans eat.
  • Current Music
    willy mason