April 20th, 2006



This is kind of an off question but it's been bugging me for a couple days. There's this guy I really like but he lives in Maine and I live in Ma it's not too far but yea it's a pain. He turned 20 last month and his exgf who's 16 is up his ass still. When I went to go visit him she was dragging him away from me whenever she could [they broke up over a month ago.]I asked him why he let's her get away with that crap and he said he "doesn't want to see her self destruct" and that "he cares and loves her." Now he says he likes me a lot and even wants me to come up for the summer & stay with him but when I came home on tuesday [april 18th] night he never called when he said he would. It's just really odd and Im not sure if I should further our relationship with his young ex in the shadows. I'm completley confused and I have no idea what to do. So my question is, What would you do?

(no subject)

Best Friend.

I dont even know why i still call you my best friend.You and our friendship is a waste of my time. When i lived 5 miles from you, i was at your house every day/night. You WERE the BEST FRIEND i have EVER had. But then, you changed. And fast. You are not the same person i met. And thats sad. You brought me to see my favorite band ever, on my birthday in the mountains in NC. And it was Perfect. Our hotel over looking the stream and sunset and watching them. That was the best time of my life. But we fought all the time... and you coulkdnt date me anymore and that was cool. I swallowed my pride. And we were best friends. Who just literally spent every spare moment with one another. I lived with you when i lost my house twice. You helped me pay rent and bills. I bought you food ... cooked you dinner. Drove you around until you bought my old car. I payed for you to come to NY over Christmas with me and meet my family. You got me back into film and music. You helped me get intouch with the side of me i lost years ago.

But in the process you managed to hurt me more than any person ever has. You made me feel like i wasnt good enough. who cares if you are 8 years older than me. Yes, you've experienced more than i have. But when you tell me every decision i make is wrong... and i would " realize that down the road.", or when youd tell me " i used to be just like you ", it made me feel like the biggest peice of shit ever. I did your laundry i cleaned your room. i waited for you time and time again. i beleieved everything that came out of you mouth. And then i moved. And we both cried and cried and cried. And i hated it back in NY for months. And we talked almost everyday. And then time started to last longer between calls. And you started to call less. Always promising to come visit in a month. Write me a letter. Burn me some more cds. Burn me some films i just " had to watch" . You'd tell me i was still number one in your life. I waas the only thing that mattered. I am pretty much the only person you talk to . You talk to me more than your family. But i knew it was bullshit. And the night i finally told you that i had fallen in love with you and couldnt be this picturesque friend you wanted you got upset and cried. You told me you would never do anything that made me unhappy. But see... dating any other girl would make me unhappy and i told you that. And you did the typical guy thing..." i would never date anyone who wouldnt understand YOU are number one"..." i would never date anyone who didnt understand when YOU spent the night with me in my bed..". I cant do that... i wont do that. I am not number one. Not to you anymore. And it sucks. I have no " best friend" anymore. NO person i talk to about all my problems. I dont watch much film anymore and spend a lot of time at work. I havent talked to you in almost a week. You said you sent me a letter on saturday. I havenmt gotten it. Which means you never sent it. Just like youve been saying you were sending letters for the past 3-4 months. Its always a new excuse out of your mouth.

You always said i should be picky with my friends.My father was right when he said you were just walking all over me. Who would have though a 28 year old who acts younger than the soon to be 21 year old "best friend" he has. Matt, i just cant do this anymore. And i think you know that. You always said if this friendship ended it would be my doing because you'd always be there. Well im telling you it IS YOUR FAULT. not mine. im not changing the way i think for YOU anymore. Im not sacrificing my hopes and dreams and desires and what i believe in for you anymore. I was always the one who had to sacrifice. im not.

so enjoy life without me. when i finally tell you this in less than 3 weeks when i come to visit and take every thing of mine you have ( my blanket you had to keep because it smelled like me and reminded you of me... my plates... my record player, my stool, my pictures and the notes i wrote you , my tv...) its going to rip your heart out. or maybe you wont care. because when i tell you im not staying with you on this trip never once have you said ..." oh steph please stay with me" you just say ok. You would have never said that a few months ago.

I had a dream about someone else the other night. and im glad i did. im moving on. and you are becoming my past. a most brilliant and horrible past. i cant regrett it. you have taught me more than anyone ever has. you've taught me... there is no such thing as the perfect friendship. everyone lies over and over. putting your heart into something is a waste of time.

you taught me, i never needed you. but you sure as hell needed me.
and now.... im gone.


(no subject)

i realized today, that although you were the only thing i wanted for months and months
we are not going to work out
i am most likely going to hurt you.
and now i'm just scared to get attached
because i know its going to hurt me so much more than i think it will right now
and maybe i'm just not a relationship person.
or maybe we just shouldnt be together.
or maybe every seven days i just go crazy.