April 16th, 2006

(no subject)

dear M,
im not ready to talk to him yet. why cant you accept that..
dont push me like this.

dear B,
i desperatly want to find a reason to push you away, to really hate you. but you make this too hard. stop being so damn perfect about all this. give me a reason to not feel so shitty about what i am going to do.

dear self,
you are still a moron. youre a fake.

  • Current Music
    pens and needles - hawthorne heights

(no subject)

Dear You,

I thought about you today.

It was the first time in a while.

These moments pass by quickly. They are no longer sad or full of regret. They just linger, wonder.

I still wonder.


(no subject)


i miiiiissssssss yoooou. it's been almost a week since i've seen you && i was getting quite used to the every other day thing for a little while. besides, you n rory are my favorite people to be around cos you're so much fun! how many people can just park a car, get out && wander around downtown for half an hour doing nothing but laughing && having an amazing time??

you scare me though. cos we still have that stupid little "tension" between us. && i can never tell if you're wanting to kiss me or what. which. . .i would kiss you, but that's prolly not good.

i'm confused though. ben was under the impression you stayed the night here last night. he just randomly said, all suggestivly "what did you and tommy do last night??" i kinda blinked && informed him you didn't stay the night here, then he kept on insisting that i was still in love with you.

i'm not.

i hope he believes me, cos i like him. a lot.

or maybe i still i am. i dunno. i pretty much refuse to sort my feelings out when it comes to you. i'm much better ignoring them. he makes me smile. you used to. you still do. but he hasn't broken my heart. . .yet.

anyways, i'm excited.

i get to see you tomorrow.

i wore your hat today cos my ears were cold.



i really hate you.

thank you for telling me that you're done with me.

it's the best thing anyone has ever told me.




i wish i had a nickname for you ^.^

i wrote you another letter last night at Big Boys on the back of a placemat, but i prolly wont give it to you. it doesn't say anything significant, other then i wont hurt myself anymore because it hurts you && i unselfishly care more for you then i do for myself, so if something i do hurts you, then i wont do it anymore.

that's the gist of it.

&& that hannah says hi.

i'm sorry i disappointed you. i do that a lot, i'm afraid. but i'm trying to get better. the last letter i wrote you that i gave you shows that i am getting better. it's so un-bek-like to write something that actually opens up && then give it to the person it was addressed to. so that shows a big step for me.

i dunno.

i like you.

a lot.

&& i dunno what to do about it.

i can't afford another experiance like i had with the best friend last year. that was killer.

i wanna know what you ment yesterday. you said something about couples, then you laughed && said it didnt matter, we weren't a couple, then you asked me if i wanted to be a couple.

i told you i hated you && didn't want to talk to you.

but you know that's how i behave in akward situations.

if i hated you, i wouldn't have cared if you walked away angry with me. i wouldn't have called you back to make you that promise.

pshaw, ben.

tell me what you want from me so i can know if i'm wasting time or not.

"tell me that you love me"
"no, i hate you"
"tell me that you love me or i'll bend your finger back."
"okok i love you."
"scratch my back."
"c'mon bek, scratch my back."
"i'll make the walrus noise."
"pfft, fine."

  • Current Music
    the ataris

(no subject)

Dear you,
Yes, you, staring back into the mirror at me.
You are a fucking fake.
Everything you do is just to impress other people and lie about yourself.
And I really hope that you're not as much of a screw-up as I thought, because there is no route back out of hell...
  • Current Mood
    enraged enraged

(no subject)

dear mon cher

i know what i want to happen tuesday. i have several different fantasies about how it would happen in dream world. but i have actually no idea has to how it'll actually pan out. except i can see you ducking out of staying at my house. and i don't know what your reason for that would be. scared of yourself? scared of me? nervous? not interested in the slightest? just say yes. don't avoid answering, don't make me beg for an answer. just say yes. just hold my hand and kiss me impromptu. let me have you. if for only that night.

(no subject)

Dear everyone who is suffering along with me,
I feel your pain.

Dear Brian,
I am so sorry for freaking out on you and fucking up everything we could have had.
I swear, I know you think I'm psycho and I am determined to make it up to you...
Give me a chance.
"In the beginning" well, it sure as hell isn't the end now, so why stop?
I really don't get you sometimes when you tell me you want to know, you want to help, and then you flip out and I get scared because I don't want to lose you.
Those emails we keep writing back and forth??? Those are my only comunications with you.
The very least you could do is tell me hi or something, show me that you know that I AM STILL ALIVE!!!
And it's killing me to write this because I know you're never going to read it cos you're too closed-minded for that, but in any case writing this means I finally have to accept the fact that there is never going to be an "us"... and I'm not okay with that.
Tell me what I did to screw up my chances in the "beginning" I really want to know where the fuck I went wrong.
I am just so pissed right now, even if you were to say yes, would I accept? Knowing that it will only lead to heartbreak?? Is that better than not having anything with you at all???
That "ill chosen joke": guess who's laughing now?????????????????????????????
Not me.
Waiting with open arms,
Dear Abie,
I am so over you it's not even funny. I fucking congratulate myself on the fact that this infatuation has ended. I really didn't know how long I was going to go on saying I liked you when in fact, I really didn't. It just took my head some time to sort it all out with my heart. But we're all good now. And even though you are a jackass, I probably would have said no, anyway. Had you asked. But you didn't. Cos "you don't like girls like me" well thats too damn bad for you cos you will never know what you missed out on.
Dear Debbie,
Thank you so much for putting up with me through everything.
I know it's been really hard for you... And, just cos I've got my shit to deal with doesn't make you any less important. Just remember that. I would drop everything in a heartbeat if you needed me... Thats how much I check my inbox every day, hoping for something from you... Anything, so I know that the world is still going.
And you're halfway around the world now... And I miss you like hell.

Yeah, what you said about the feeling of having someone miss you and actually missing someone while you're away... its true.

I really love that I can tell you anything. No holds barred. It just helps to know someone's there, who actually gives a... when everything really sucks.

So I just want you to know that someone out here loves you, even if everything else in the world is at a stand-still.

So... I'm still sitting at my laptop, with my purple chipped nail polish and skull ring fingers on the keyboard... Waiting for something to happen so that I don't feel like the shittiest person in the world...

And I'm telling you all this cos I know that it helps to know that someone else feels your pain as you cry into your pillow at night. Especially if that person crying happens to be me...♥

Love always,