April 7th, 2006

surprise batsecks

Haven't done this in awhile...

I don't know if you read this or not anymore. I'm hoping one day you come across it. I wish I could tell you this in person. Perhaps I might. One can never tell with me.

Though you haven't asked me for it, I'm going to at least write about... matters. Though I don't particularly dislike her for this reason, this situation really doesn't help. I haven't decided what I feel about all that. But, I think for your sanity, it is IMPERATIVE that you stay FAR FAR away from her. Like don't acknowledge her existance for a couple months. No more waiting around for her. No more anything. I'm not saying "fuck her, she's horrible," or anything. I just think you need to be away from her. Because seeing her like you are is obviously hurting you. If she doesn't seem interested in the same way that you are, then it shouldn't matter.

I know that's kind of hardassed. But believe me, it'll help you for the future. I think it's better to have no expectations of anything so that way when they don't happen, you're not disappointed.

I know whenever I was in your position, I wanted to go back so badly. And I was denied time and time again. I don't want anyone else to go through that. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Despair, desperation. I probably know exactly how you feel.

It makes my heart ache to see you like this. I can't look at you without internally crying.

I don't know exactly why y'all separated, but it seems to me like y'all don't talk enough. Your emotions are on your sleeve, and she's running around like nothing's wrong. I know you don't want to bug her. But (now I'm assuming a lot here) but I bet communications issues are at the root of all of this. Maybe you'll have to bug her. J certainly did when I was going through a similar situation. That's his nature. And I know he cares about me, though his ceaseless paranoia is a little irksome at times.

If what I've gathered is true (and I'll probably never know) but if it is... she won't be bad off, but she won't be as well off as she was with you. I understand what I think her deal is, though. The only reason I could come up with was that she wants to date other people. 23 months (or however long it was) is a long time. People change. She can always come back. But you shouldn't have to sit around at her feet and wait on her. It'll hurt worse over a longer period of time. The way I mentioned before will hurt more at the beginning, but it'll be over quicker. I'm not trying to be a bitch, I just want to save you from pain. More than anything.

Please understand,
Peanut Butter (get it? PB and JAM...)

I've been recently reading the archives to this community starting with... before you and Monique broke up. I'm not sure what I was looking for, if anything. I was just remembering. I found some letters that I wrote to him... and to you... and saved them. If only to remember what not to do again.
I haven't done this in a long time. I haven't had a need to. But recent events brought me here. You'll probably never read this.
I feel even more dependent. I am happy without you, don't misunderstand me, but I see you way too often. And don't misunderstand that, either.
If a sign of maturity is putting off pleasure, then I'm the most immature person on this planet.
She was right in everything she said. She said you made her feel safe. You do, in your own way. I feel like I belong. Which might be a strange way to put it, but nevertheless.
I love how you take things that I say, like what happened Tuesday, and you break them apart. You rationalize everything out and suddenly everything makes sense. And I wonder why I didn't think of that.
Sometimes I think you expect me to act like I do. I wonder if anything I do (like what I did Tuesday) scares you. I wonder what scares you period.
I wish you could be me one time when things happen. Seeing you like that is amazing. The glow of your alarm clock casting blue light over everything. Your soft focus. Your all over softness. Those memories make me smile.
You're so self-conscious, and I'm not sure why. Haha. Well, I know why. That's human nature. But I totally wouldn't mind if we'd stay like we were Wednesday. I wouldn't mind seeing you like that everyday for the rest of my life.
I love seeing you smile. I really feel undeserving.
You're going to be incredibly hard to forget.

I love you more than anything, and I'm sorry I doubted that.
  • Current Music
    "Hold on to Your Friends" -Morrissey
kitty 2.0
  • joyful

either grow up, or die.

Dear Shinobi,

When I first met you, nearly 2 years ago, I thought you were cool. You hung out with people whose opinions truly matter to me, so I assumed you were a decent person. Now I've learned that you are a stain on humanity.

You are cruel.

You obtain your happiness by hurting other people.

When you hit me, I didn't react at first. By the time I turned around, you were gone, and everyone told me it was you.

I had a bruise on my arm for two weeks.

I sae you today, and you laughed. You looked at me and laughed.

I don't know what hurts more, that you hurt me, or that you show no remorse. I guess what I find the most shocking is that earlier that day we had been getting along really great. For the first time I wasn't just "Cusa's friend" or "Ethan's friend," I was a person. You treated me like a human being. You even stopped badmouthing Shiro when I was around because you knew he's my friend.

But once you hit me, I lost it.

I was completely in shock. I was back in a time I had thought I had passed, and was reliving every time I had ever been hit.

I am never one to hold grudges. I forgive you. I forgive you for stealing my friend's girlfriend, and isolating one of my best friends to the point nobody knows her anymore. I forgive you for hitting me, I even forgive you for calling me a bitch.

It's done.