April 3rd, 2006

(no subject)

Dear self,

I hate you for what your doing.

love, Me.

~


Dear Girlfriend,

I am Sorry beyond comprehension. You'll never know how horrible i feel and how I've never wanted anything more than to just rip out my own heart and send it to you so you can step on it then send it back, so i can feel the hurt you feel. i know you say its okay, but I know its not. I always know when something hurts you or is on your mind, and i know that this is one of those things. I'm afraid that I've done more damage than I can fix this time. I'm afraid that i might lose you over this. I cant even begin to comprehend the anguish that thought brings me. Your words on the phone the past few times have felt so cold, and i know its because of this. The anger in your voice brings me to my knees. I've reached the lowest point of self loathing and all I can say now is that I am sorry and that i love you with all of my heart, and I hope that your love for me still holds the warmest place in your heart.

I love you so very much.

Love, your horrible boyfriend.
  • Current Mood
    sad Horrible
connor O

venting

So theres’ this boy, and he kinda has my heart.

As much as I try to take it back, I always fail. Its been a long time since he stole it from me. I wonder when he is going to give it back? Even if he will always have a piece of it, I just want at least half of it back so I can love again.

We started out just friends, then we tried to be more. That lasted a really long time, and we had a lot of amazing times together. For a year and a half you were mine. Then one day you decided that you didn’t want it any more. Yes I admit it hurt me, but there was nothing I could do, it was your choice. Then the confusion came… You told me you still loved me, we acted like we were dating. We were “apart” for about six months. Within that six months I never felt any thing with any one else, cause I still had you our feelings never faded. I was never giving up.

Then eventually it started getting harder, I met some one new. Started to get to know him. Hung out with him more, and we were becoming different. Even though I was beginning to feel for someone else, I still always thought of you. I was just trying to get you out of my head. Things started getting weird with him. Nothing compared to what we had. Then one day you decided to add some more confusion into my life, and ask me out again. Although it felt good, it was so hard at the same time. I wasn’t sure on whether I should stay single, and be free.. Or be with you again and feel good again. I also didn’t want to hurt any one. It took me a long time but I said yes.

We lasted about two or three more weeks, those few weeks were really good. Then you went away. I heard terrible rumours, that you and my drunken friend had some incidences. I chose not to believe them, until I talked to you. When I talked to you, I found out that they weren’t fully true, but partly. I know it was mostly her… but you did kiss her back. I never thought that I could hurt so much. I had to let you go… I always said, if some one did that to me, that was it no matter who or what. I felt so betrayed… This time around the break up is very different, we aren’t as close, and we for sure don’t act like we are dating any more. I don’t even know if this is a good thing or bad…

I am having a lot of trouble letting you go. Every thing in me wants to be like fuck you, and move on. I just can’t, we really did have something. Its really hard seeing you at school every day, all I want to do is run up and hug you… but I cant. It really hurts. Its really starting to bother me… Why can’t I just let you go.. Then I think to my self.. It was only a kiss… he doesn’t like her, he was piss drunk.. Another chance? Then I think NO he doesn’t deserve it move on and forget about him… This is really hard.. Give me my heart back so I can stop loving you…

I don’t even know what I want…

"I want to hate you so bad, but I can't stop this any more than you can."
  • Current Music
    Sufjan stevens- to be alone with you