March 28th, 2006

(no subject)

i hate boys.
i hate you, 'cuz i love(d?) you.

even when i tell everyone that on friday night (saturday morning..), i had a gorgeous boy on his knees, begging me to take him back, they all say, "Say no." he hurt you once, don't let him do it again. blah, blah, blah..

i understand their point of view. my head is screaming at me, GET OUT GET OUT BEFORE IT HAPPENS AGAIN. i mean... you left me. you left me, the night my aunt died, when everything in the world was exploding and then, i had no one. there are no words for how hurt i was.

everyone's screaming for me to say no.
my head is screaming for me to simply walk away.

but my heart still loves you. and trusts you. all those pretty words.. i trust them all. i think you're beautiful. your smile, your eyes, your laughter, your jokes, that look you gave me last night.. it's all beautiful.

me: "What will happen when I run away?"
you: "I'll follow you."
me: "Even off to UMBC?"
you: "Yes. And, if I physically can't follow you, then I'll call you.. Oh man, do I hate the phone. But I'll call you. And I'll write you letters. And I'll leave you online messages. And I'll visit.
I lost you once, I fucked up and lost you once, and I never want it to happen again."

i hate not being with you. the last four months have hurt. being in your arms yesterday was heaven.

don't lose me again. i only want to be with you.

Sadness ! - toooooo much going around

Dear Girls,

I know that you both have been having really hard times lately. I know all I say is things will get better. They will and I know it. You have to deal with these things, because that is what is forming you into the person you will become. I wish that I could just take those assnine fools by the throat and shake them till they understand what they have done to you. It is so ironic how both of you are having the same problems right now. I feel helpless and unable to mend your pain. You are better off with them out of your lives, they will only cause confict and pain over and over again, because they are weak and feed off of your strengths. Just think ahead a little bit and see that things cannot get worse here, not if you dont let them. Both Samantha and Tori will realize one day that they are the fools for what they lost and the kindness that you no longer have to give to them can be given to the ones who deserve it.

Love you both very much,

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(no subject)

Dear beloved boyfriend.

were both sick. and it sucks alot. i had plans tonight that i was gonna tell you about, but you were sick and i crashed them. you wanna know why? so i can go to your house and cheer you up. and you wanna know why? becuase i've fallen for you. and i'm damn happy about it. I mean it when I say I love you. And it makes me feel damn happy about it. Youre making me soup downstairs. Or you better be becuase cereal is not good when youre sick. So you better be making soup for us. :] Thank you. For being my little psycho/wife beater. i love you.

love sick yet happy girlfriend.

dear friends

thank you and at the same time wow some of you you annoy me alot. Ha. Whatever.

love yea whatever. i love the ones who care :]

Dear you kid

Woot woot yo! Thanks for calling me. And another thing. Thank you. So much for being there for me last week. That was one of the hardest weeks of my life. And youre the one who hugged me, asked if I was alright, sat down and listened and watched me cry. Thank you so so so much. I dont think you know how much that really meant to me. I really dont. I could type my fingers away and it still wouldnt express my gratitude. Thank you. Youre such a good guy. And even though we had our little fits of yay/nay, i think it made us tighter in a way. And I'm happy about it. I'm happy for you, and I'm happy for what youve done. Thanks.

-love a happy kid

I want to say more, but I wont. becuase I'm too happy at the moment. Thank you is all I have to say. Thank you.
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    happy buzzzzz

(no subject)

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.
So what happens in loving you is destroying me a little bit at a time.
Is it really progress if we keep hiding behind our covers and studying our pain?

There is not a single doubt in my mind that its truly love.
And I'd rather have what patheticly messed up whatever we have than not have you in my life at all.
But sometimes I feel like we're just riding around in circles.
Will the time ever be right?
I think it will.
My heart races and butterflies dive into my stomach at the thought of us together. Forever. Or at least for a long time.
I know we're working out the kinks. I know that all I can do is wait.

But sometimes, it feels like the bridge that we're building to reach our dreams is like the construction on the side of the road that is always there in the same spot, year after year, never actually being completed.
I want to cross that bridge. But I don't know if I can put all my effort into the work all the time.

(no subject)

I can't talk to you so I have to write about you on the internet. Isn't that sad? Oh wait, any sign of showing your true feelings to people you don't know very well is a weakness to you. I'm not even going to bother explaining why it's perfectly normal and why you're the one who actually doesn't get it.
I love you. Is it really that hard to believe?? You're so fucking beautiful and sometimes, just sometimes when I see you I want to sink into the ground and stay there because if you don't want me I don't want to have to see your face again. And yes, I do think we've established pretty firmly that you don't want me. If only you knew how much I want you, how much you mean to me... Actually, screw that, if only you UNDERSTOOD what it feels like to need someone this much. Coz I doubt you've ever felt that. I'll never get you and it kills me a little more each day, you've made me feel weak and scared and pathetic. Because I just CANT fucking do it alright?? I CAN'T act normal around you, I can't treat you the same way as everybody else, and knowing all that is what makes it hard to say 'hi.' The only confusing thing from your side in this situation is why you also can't do it... do you hate me? I've always had the feeling that you respected me. And when our eyes meet... you can't blame that all on me coz you're looking too and if you tell me that its just a coincidence I'll cry. God, I want you. How should I put it?
"You are my only one, my only, only one..."
or would you prefer...
"I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight"

Goodnight... I'll be thinking of you, as always.