March 22nd, 2006

(no subject)

i could make you happy, you know, if you weren't already. i could do a lot of things. i really could. i used to think you were this heartless arrogant chovanist pig with intentions only for himself. And then I saw the goodness in you. The goodness I had wished and wished and prayed for. And you exposed your true needs. I know you had to feel something with me. You don't kiss like that without feeling. You don't make love liek that without feeling. You say you don't need me to save you, but I think you're wrong. I think you're looking in all the wrong, far off places for the one thing you truly want, when it's right here in front of you. You say you just want someone to love you for you, no matter how hardass you act. And I'm trying to tell you that I can be that someone.. if you'll only let me...
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    ani difranco - untouchable face
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(no subject)

Why do you do that to me? with the standing and the touching and the closeness and the looking and the voice. arg. you tempt me way to much. you are so miss leading. like today, god. why do I care for you so much? I know why, you are one the best things that ever happened to me.

strike a pose, fake a smile

randy,

you can't read this. && the second i see you on friday, it's all going to come out in a rush as soon as i run up to you && crush you in a hug, but we miss you. it's so depressing going to lunch on blue days && not having you sitting next to me so i can steal your chocolate milk, if rachel doesn't get to it first. not to mention that every time i think of where you are, knowing how lonely you've got to be, i get shudders.

it doesn't help matters that your nasty little whore ex who you once swore you loved more then life itself (who maybe had something to do with this??) has been running around telling everyone where you are, just so she can get pity from all her friends. the fucking cunt. i hope you know i really want to hit her, but don't out of mere respect for you. amanda tells me that jess has been worried. there's something you got to look forward to when you come out. amanda told me how glowingly you spoke of jess saturday night. i don't much approve of her, but anyone is better then that bitch you used to be with. && everyone knows how you deserve SOMETHING good.

i dunno. hopefully you get out tomorrow night && i get to see you on friday. you wouldn't believe how quiet it is without you. i love you.

i've got rain up on both my xangas && my AIM profile. just for you.
-bek
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dear scott douchebag,

what, to good for me now?! can't even manage to say "hi" in the hallways anymore?? ever since friday night when you hung up on me FOR NO REASON (later you told me "tommy said he woulda done it") you've been a cuntface.

hey why don't you pull your head from his ass && have an original thought in that empty skull of yours for once in your life.

i think i hate you. i think it with such venom that i think it has to be true. you're so fucking inconsiderate, self absorbed, bitchy, catty, && just all around stupid.

grow up, fuck face.
-bek
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tommy,

UGH i hate you too. with less venom though.

but the only reason i hate you is that i really miss you && you don't give a fuck.

the thing with randy made me think.

what if it were you in the hospital??

remember that lame song i wrote waaaay back when?? after we broke up for the first time && we had our first real fight, where you got really upset && ended up cutting yourself?? well, i'll post it for you. && then i'll forget that i miss you, i'll forget that i really need you, i'll forget that we were best friends, i'll forget everything. so let's see if memory serves me:

This Sums Up You And I
-Bek

I can't write anything.
Not when I only feel like screaming.
So pull the trigger you have to my head
A bullet wound
Another pool of blood red
What does it matter to you??
I'm already dead
Promise me as the stars fall from the sky
You'll shed a tear
At least you'll have the decency to cry
The matching scars on our arms
Don't mean a thing
"If we die, we die together"
That's how it's going to be

i don't think it applies anymore. but it described us so perfectly back then.

-bek
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dear Hawthorne Heights,

you did really well with Saying Sorry. i love the older stuff more then the newer stuff, but Saying Sorry is amazing.

see you in april
love,
an annoyingly adoring fan
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dear lty community,

thanxxx for listening to my rambelings && the few that comment.

this keeps me from going completely insane.

love,
bek
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    hawthorne heights- saying sorry
wonka candy vs liquor

ahh, angry days.

Dear whoreface,

I'm putting it behind us. I'm not saying I like you or that I'm happy with you. I just don't want you to piss my other friends off anymore. And honestly I hate holding grudges when people can't help their stupidity. I hope you know that I would have been just as angry had what you said came from ANYONE.

So, tomorrow, you can sit at my table, I guess. I'm not gonna be thrilled...but as long as you don't open your mouth and insert your feet, we'll be great.

me

Dear Conniving ex-girlfriend,

I had no problem with you. That is until you sent my boyfriend an email saying, 'give me a chance to show you that I can be the one to make all your dreams come true.' Making his dreams come true is my job. Not yours. I was ok with you sending the letter, on the sole fact that he will NEVER get back with you. Ever. And the fact that you think otherwise is almost humourous.

Did you honestly tell someone that he gave you a necklace that said, 'I love you' THIS Christmas? Because if you did, well honey, you've got some MAJOR issues to sort out. He didn't give you jackshit for Christmas and he wouldn't lie to me. And the other necklace he gave you, you got on your birthday. It wasn't even for Christmas. So your story doesn't make sense. At all. And why only tell whoreface? You didn't tell your 'best friend.' That might be because she has a better friendship with my boyfriend than you'll ever have and you hoped that it wouldn't get back to him. And I can imagine you wanted it to get to me, so I broke up with him. But no. We talked about it, and well I know that you're just a stupid lonely girl who wants what she had back. Because you've probably realized that he was the best thing that ever happened to you and you miss him. Well, you're just going to keep on missing him.

He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and if I don't have to, I'm never giving him up. And hopefully someday soon, you'll realize that. CHances are though, you won't.

Just back the fuck off. Thanks.

Me.

My 'best friend?'

Why do you insist upon pushing your nose where it doesn't belong? I appreciate your trying to help...but it's not your issue. Yeah, she WAS your friend, but look, if anybody should have brought up the necklace thing with her, it should've been me or Carl. NOT YOU. But that's ok. As long as you don't bitch her out, we'll be ok. Because it's not your place. But there's nothing I can do to undo what's already been done. So just keep your nose out of my business. Thanks.

Your Other Half...
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    Lingo...