March 19th, 2006

i'd rather die then have to see your smile

mmy,

the last thing i wrote on here was a song for you, promising that would be the last of them. i lied. oh well. pain does the heart well for talented writters, which i cross my fingers that i am. all i ever do is seem to write you letters on here. i'm still using the nickname. which must mean that i don't hate you nearly as much as i tell myself i do. or should. && everytime i write one, i intend on it being the last. see, i don't want to hold on to something that's dead, much like i've been doing since at least september, if not before then.

i thought i was over this fight. if you want to be a douche, i was just going to let you. it's easier that way. i don't cry that way. out of sight, out of mind. i called scott today && i could hear your voice, your oh so familer laugh && i could even picture the smile on your face as clear as if you were standing right next to me.

i just want to know where the fuck everything went wrong.

&& i don't mean about the whole "usXcouple" thing. i figure we just never were ment to be && it was a mistake made twice by both of us. that's been well out of my mind for a long time. i mean usXfriends. we used to be the best. the late night IMs, phone calls, bright eyed plans, promises, tears, fears, everything. what happened to all of that??

i just keep replaying that night at the mill. i was sitting next to bobby, covering up with his coat. meXyouXscott were fighting. i didnt wanna talk to you, but i did. i didn't wanna admit it. you tried to come over && sit next to me, but i just turned my head, biting my lip as hard as i could. i had sworn to myself that the last fight we had would really be our last, that i couldnt, wouldnt, speak with you anymore. that i was sick of your moods, sick of your words, sick of you. but then you walked away && i suddenly was overcome with this incredible sense of lonliness, guilt, && heartache. so i covered my face with the coat && started to cry. bobby immediatly asked what was wrong. i told him that you were. that i was horribly bitchy, that i loved you, that you were my best friend && i just shunned you. i just ignored you when you were trying to make amends. so bobby called you over, despite my strong protests not to. i kept my face buried in the coat as you told bobby you tried to say sorry, that it hurt when i turned away. && you stood there, while i kept my face buried. i didn't want you to see my makeup run. i'm to strong for that. or perhaps to weak?? but you stood there anyways, in the cold. && you told me you loved me. you repeated it a bunch of times. it only made me cry harder under that damned coat. i shook my head. i shook my head so violently, though neither of you could see. then i remember saying "no". i moved the coat && looked at you. i told you i couldn't let you hurt me anymore, i couldn't let you make me cry. i didn't care by now that my eyes were streaming black && my voice was shaky. i told you how you hurt me. && that i couldn't. i just couldn't. && you told me you wouldn't. you told me again that you loved me. twice. so i held up my hand in a fist, with my pinky standing. i stood && looked you square in those beautiful, turquoise eyes of yours && more seriously then i have ever been, i asked you to stop hurting me. i asked you to pinkie promise (how childish) that you wouldn't hurt me, that you wouldn't hate me again. && you looked back && linked your pinkie with mine && swore, then pulled me into a hug where i held on tightly. as tightly as i could.

maybe two, three months ago??

so what happened??

promises must mean nothing to you.

i miss you.

&& i'll never admit it outloud.

but that's okay.

cos you'd never wanna hear it anyways.

this dance is getting ridiculous
& neither of us want to lead
everything is broken
& i can't make sense of reason
i often wondered if dreams come true
but then i met you
& realized only nightmares do

just promise me you'll always remember me at my best
& not as the girl dying in your dust
& i promise to remember you at your worst
cos that's the only way that you ever were

-bek

(no subject)



Dear person I want:

You are the boy that I really want.. you're so amazing. we're divided by three hours and musical tastes that boy that I really want.. you're so amazing. we're divided by three hours and musical tastes that leaves us buried within nothing. I don't know what to do. I really do genuinly like you. It's always there, in the back boy that I really want.. you're so amazing. we're divided by three hours and musical tastes that leaves us buried within nothing. I don't know what to do. I really do genuinly like you. It's always there, in the back of my head, because you're so cool. yo boy that I really want.. you're so amazing. we're divided by three hours and musical tastes that leaves us buried within nothing. I don't know what to do. I really do genuinly like you. It's always there, in the back of my head, because you're so cool. you always make me feel better and when i liked her and she practically destroyed me, you were th boy that I really want.. you're so amazing. we're divided by three hours and musical tastes that leaves us buried within nothing. I don't know what to do. I really do genuinly like you. It's always there, in the back of my head, because you're so cool. you always make me feel better and when i liked her and she practically destroyed me, you were there, and you made me feel better. AIM's fun and all.. but in person, we could be good. you made me blush seeing yo boy that I really want.. you're so amazing. we're divided by three hours and musical tastes that leaves us buried within nothing. I don't know what to do. I really do genuinly like you. It's always there, in the back of my head, because you're so cool. you always make me feel better and when i liked her and she practically destroyed me, you were there, and you made me feel better. AIM's fun and all.. but in person, we could be good. you made me blush seeing you on cam and i told myself that i wouldn't be one of those girls. but i am, and I don't mind. this internet thing that we have going could be awhole lot of fun and good.. but maybe she's right.

we're not going to be able to have a good meaningful relationship when we can't see eachother. you've got something about you that I've been looking for.. and maybe, you could feel like home. I think you could. I can speak to you and open up to you and it feels so amazing to be able to do that. But we're emotionally distant and nothing will ever come of this. because you want her and I want you and I'm so good at not getting what I want.

you make things so much more worth it.
  • Current Music
    the used
People

(no subject)

Dear friends,
What the hell are you thinking?
Have you all become suddenly stupid?
Yeah, just go ahead and make things worse, while you stand there watching, waiting until something bad finally happens to her.
So smart of you.
And are you insane, asking me "how could you do that to her?"?
How could I do WHAT to her?
Help her?
Oh, excuse me for caring about one of my best friends.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated
People

(no subject)

Dear you,
It's funny how you thought you knew me. How you thought that all you heard was everything that went on in my life. It's funny because you're pathetic. You need to talk about how you hate people in order to feel better about yourself. It's funny that I never suspected you felt that way about me. I find it funny because I don't care. I don't want to care about you anymore. I won't help you anymore. I won't get my friends annoyed at me because I'm helping someone who I don't even know. Who I never should have cared about in the first place. I always knew you didn't like me as much as the others. I never knew you hated me so much. He was right. You don't care about us as much as we care about you. I knew he was right but I couldn't bring myself to believe it. I didn't want to but now I do. I hope you move away one day so I will finally be able to forget about you and truely stop caring. I don't know if even that will work but it's better than you being here. I wasted so many days worrying about you. I wasted my time hanging out with you while you pretended to be my best friend, and later on just my friend.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
dr jan itor

(no subject)

sorry for not sticking around anymore just so you'll have someone to keep you entertained. i thought i meant more to you than that. life really will be boring now.