I could start this friendship back up and have you always calling me, always bitching, always nagging, always crying in my ear. Or I could simply let this re-connection fade away. I don't know what I want to do. I don't like always feeling so obligated to hang out with you or to talk to you. Sometimes, I don't want to go riding around searching for your boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to stay at home. I don't want to be your friend just because you're leaving. but maybe I should. Maybe I'll IM you and it'll be my ceremonial goodbye gift to you.
Bitchy I know. But I'm not going to let you treat me like shit again after I went so far to get away from you.
i wish i could talk to you like everyone else. i wish i could trust you with all of my secrets. like how i tried to kill myself the other day. i wish i could tell you that. because you tell me those things. you tell me your problems.
but for some reason, i can't. i can't trust you. i can't trust anyone. it's partially your fault, because you've broken me before. but so has everyone else. so you can blame yourself and my friends for me not "paying you back" for the other day.
but i do love you more than life. you are pretty much my best friend. i just feel really guilty that i can't trust you. please understand that that's the reason why. not because i don't want to tell you and i love hearing about your problems. but because i can't tell you these things. because i can't trust you.
I miss you, I miss you. It's been fucking two years and I still think about you. but you're happy.. you're with a new girl, you're in love and she makes you want to settle down and get married. two weeks of dating, months of talking and you just suddenly forgot about me. it hurt. it doesn't hurt anymore but it still make's me think.
Snow Patrol's "run" reminds me of you. How can I forget about you? I find other people and I do. I guess I'm always going to wonder what happened that made me so forgettable and why I wasn't worth something. I'm so different now. You'd barely recognize me. I've done things I never said I would do and I'm not going to apologize for my bad attitude towards you.. but I want to apologize for ever trying.
I'm not posting this on my normal journal cuz it's something I've never written before. And I really just want to get some of this out.
I hate people who jokingly say, "I'm going to kill myself," in any form. It hurts me, because sure they can joke about it. But I can't. And I can't even hear a joke without pain springing up in my heart. I guess that's because I've lost two people to suicide. My dad last year, and my aunt when I was 10. I wasn't that upset about my aunt...but I'm devastated about my dad. He was just awesome in every way, and it doesn't seem right that he's gone now. :( And that's the reason when someone jokes that they're going to slit their wrists, hang themselves, or anything of that nature I get upset. I say, I don't appreciate that humor. And they look sheepishly. The thing is, it's so frustrating because suicides should not just be statistics. I know that most never leave a note, the symptoms are hard to see, and unless you're a survivor, you don't understand. I don't care. I would love to bring awareness to the seriousness of suicides. Because if I hadn't had the right support, I wouldn't be nearly as ok as I am today. And so many times in our daily lives, we make stupid little comments that hurt someone deeply, more deeply than they're going to tell you. And I think as a society, we need to show more compassion, to everyone. Not just those who are already our friends.
One small positive comment means so much more than most would ever understand. But one negative comment can hurt as much as the positive one can help. And it's sad that in today's society, more emphasis is put on negativity than is put on positivity. And that's screwing up more people than you'd think.
This wasn't necessarily what I was going to write but I feel it's true, and this is the best place for it. At least in my mind.
Dear Alex, You are he last type of person I saw myself with. The last type of guy. I always saw myself with the Bryans of the world. But you literally walked in unannounced on my life. You remind me of a brother type or maybe like my brother-in-law. And my sister was just like me in highschool. Pretty boys and bad girl ways. Til she met Dave and that all changed. And it's the same with you. I find you attractive when I know my peers wouldnt. And you know what I don't care. Because I want to be with you. You make me laugh. And when I'm with you I forget everything. And I smile. Like I do with my friends. Anyway. I'm not saying I love you because I won't. Not I won't love you I just won't say I love you. I want you to know I care about you very much. Like...more than you know. And I love your daughter. And don't care that you have one. And I hope we can...idk be family like maybe. Ok...yeah... Amanda