I am going to be fucking sick. While I'm still miserable over you, you're already sleeping around. How do I know? Fine. I am obsessing over you. I have your password. And I logged in, and you had a new string of messages. You emailed her saying that you hope she enjoyed herself and you'll look out for her earring. Then she emailed you back saying she enjoyed it too but it was a really big deal for her, and she'd like you to call her up sometime. She called you "babe." You fucking slept with her! We've been over for 2 and a half weeks. And she's not even cute anyway. But I know you. She's just a one night stand for you. And she's getting attached to you. Because everyone fucking loves you. You're gorgeous and charming and girls fall for you so easily. And I was one of them. Just another girl to you. Nothing special. But at least I had the decency to not sleep with you. I got really close and I regret it, because now it's all too obvious that I mean absolutely nothing to you. You're ignoring me. I know you've still gotta be addicted to cocaine. When are you gonna stop fucking up your life? I still love you so much and I worry about you all the time. You're selling yourself short and making your life miserable. When are you gonna see it? And when are you gonna realize that you let go of the one person who really and truly cares about you, the one person who loves you more than anybody in this world will ever love you? I would do anything for you. I'd skip class to be there for you. Hell, I'd spend everything I own and fly across the world to be there for you if that's what it took. Because that's what love is really all about... putting others above yourself. You've never done that. You're always first. Which is pretty pathetic because you don't even think shit of yourself. But that's not gonna stop me. I don't care if you start shooting up heroin and sleeping with three different girls every night. I am always gonna love you, and I am always gonna be fighting for you. I've lost someone I love before and I refuse to lose you.
I love you. Finally. And, it's all good, so good. Good like a kid on a shopping spree who drags his mom into a candy store and gets what he wants. I finally got what I want. And I'm happy. I promise I'm not lying of regretting anything. I love you paragon. Only, see it's complicated. Oh god, why the fuck does it always have to be so complicated? See, you're a senior and you're going off to college in the fall, and I'll be here, stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting for a phone call that wil never come, waiting for you to call to tell me you can't talk. Waiting, and the sad part is, I won't wait. I won't wait for you, there will be other guys. How do I explain this? You look me deep in the eyes and tell me you love me, tell me, you would give up your life for me. You would give up anything to be with me. but you're still leaving, and I won't stop you. You say we have forever, and what we have is eternal, and maybe, just maybe, we'll be Noah and Allie and in 13 years we'll meet and fall in love again. But I know that it will end, and I don't know how fair it is to keep on breaking your heart. See, you care about me more than I care about you, you always have, you always will. We're an unthinkable match really, a freshman and a senior, oh god, do you have to leave? Can't we just have little kids like we planned and live in the middle of the adirondacks under an apple tree? Can't we? I love you paragon, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But there are other people who will be there for you and there are other people who will be here for me, boy people. And long island is a long way away. We won't continue, we'll end, and it will break us up forever.
I wish.....i wish you hadn't told me you loved me the day you asked me out, maybe then, I could break us up with a smile on my face, thinking that I was only hurting myself. Because we won't last. And that makes every moment that we defy the laws of this institution so much more dietic. I love you paragon, did you hear me?
But I'm scared, scared as hell of being back where I started, being back there waiting for a rebound guy to come and pull me out of my misery of diet pills and bruised lips. Of crimson tears and blue cuticles. But you came, late, and showed me halcyon and felicity and purity and love. You showed me love and your soul. How can we ever end after that? How can we believe we'll make it after we're already planning 10 years in advance? What will happen once you get you bachelor's and I go to college? God, paragon, do you have to be so sweet? I love you paragon, my stranger, my baby.
That's what you always were, a stranger, while you gnawed at my bones. You told her she is beautiful. That's not a lie. I told her she was beautiful before you did. I guess that means I was right. Well she is beautiful, I'm not denying that and I don't care if.....................
She won't get with you, she can't. She's too old for you, and she's one of my bestfriends and she can't ever love you. You can flirt with her, but she won't love you. And I don't know if I'm sad that she won't.
I don't want anyone to ever love you because I loved you and you turned me down, and turned me up and turned me down again and told me you loved me and dumped me and then blead. I loved watching you bleed it was like therapy. Watching you punch walls and do drugs. Watchting u screw up your life. Because you screwed up mine. because you made me bleed and you knew you did and you relished it like a blissful thing.
I loved you and wrote you songs and dedicated my life to you. To your unexplainable power and will. And now you call her beautiful. She is beautiful. But ....but i would call myself beautiful in front of you and you would stare at me and say "you are". And then, you saw that I wasn't talking to you, you got so mad, so mad, oh, I was so happy to see you so mad, suffering like you deserved. And then again. At the ball, the winterball, dancing there. You wouldn't dance, just spent the entire evening with your eyes on me. On me dancing. You'd never seen me dance, in the 3 months we knew eachother, you hadn't bothered to stick around long enough to see me drenched in moonbeams, dancing with the stars in the snow. Seen me in my element. I saw you in your's daily. Alcohol. You started drinking and doing more drugs after you realized that I was gone, that you had no more control over me, you'd tell me too, so I'd feel guilty or worried. It worked. I was sick as hell. You were the person who told me I was beautiful, yet ou were the one who pushed me onto anorexia again. I lost 10 pounds, I rebounded with a conservative guy. A guy who had no clue what the hell you were doing with your life and why. But. I never loved him, the entire time we were together, I would dream of you, wear your sweatshirt laced with the hue of sweat and tears and cigarettes and axe overdose. I loved that smell. Not anymore. I'm gone. And I don't know if you want me back. 3 weeks ago you told me you loved me. You think I didn't hear you. I heard you. You hurt me, until I realized the door was shut, we couldn't be partners in anything. You weren't the person I thought you were. You aren't cocky and arrogant, you're selfish. And you know it. And still, you'd buy me food and watch me eat it, watch me breath when I would sleep. Kiss me tender, so I'd feel it, pull me in your arms so deep you'd rip m heart until I couldn't bare it, enjoy the gentle bleeding of my soul. I only wish someday you'll hear my songs. But frankly I don't know if I've moved on. I hope I have. But the fact is, I'll see you monday, and you'll still look at me and I know....no matter what you tell her, you told me I was beautiful first.
Maybe one day i'll get to see how all this will pan out. I hate waiting, my impatience always gets the best of me.
I'm not the kind to wait forever(but for you I would try), I'm the kind to walk away(but for you that's an empty threat).
I would throw myself in front of a bullet for you, lay my life on the line.
And I hope you know that.
I relish in the fact that you are mine in some small fashion.
I should be getting to bed, I hope you call.
With one touch,
you whisk away my fears.
With one word,
you dry my tears.
With one kiss,
you fill me with bliss.
With one sweet whisper in my ear,
you drown out all my fear.
With my hand in yours,
you take me away,
With my head on your shoulder,
I know that from you, I'll never stray.
With your heart beating in my ear,
I know I've got nothing to fear.
With you in my life,
I don't know any strife.
and these feelings, haven't previously been shared.
Tomorrow's the day,
Tomorrow I go,
Tomorrow I take the first step towards learning,
What I'm dying to know.
Unlikely to be cheers,
And it feels like this week has been taking years.
And now these feelings have been displayed.
Three years this June. Three years. It scares me that it might not go on much longer. We only see eachother twice a week and what's going happen when you move? What's going to happen when I start up college? I know it's going to be alot of work but I think if we put all we can into it, we might make it out okay.
Plus dear, I haven't been single since I was 14...I'd probably end up being one of the most horrible single people out there.
Anyway. I love you.