February 10th, 2006

unsaid

(no subject)

K.

I sure didn't expect it to happen this way. When you told me we were gonna have a heart to heart and I was gonna cry, I thought I was gonna hear another story about your cocaine addiction or how you hate your family. I never expected you to break up with me.

Well technically, you didn't break up with me. You sat down and calmly explained that we'll never make each other happy and we aren't what each other is looking for. And all the time you were saying that you aren't what I'm looking for, all I could feel was hurt that I'm not what you're looking for. How can you not want endless love and support and happiness?

I feel nothing and everything all at once. I feel like you never would have been able to fall in love with me. I feel like you choose pot and sex and all your other vices over me. I feel like this was all a pathetic attempt to get out of the relationship so that I'm not on your conscience when you're out getting drunk and high and checking out other girls. I feel like now you're gonna go out and end your 6 month no-sex spell and get with anyone you want. I feel like this isn't affecting you as much as it is affecting me. I feel like not only has this already been over for you, but it never really started in the first place. If you go hook up with somebody tonight, it will just rip me apart more than I already am.

But at the same time, I know that the things you said today were right. We aren't right for each other. I've been holding on to something that isn't really there, not entirely. I've been in denial about this because I wanted so badly for it to work out. I wanted love to be enough for us. But you're never gonna change. I didn't want you to change who you are. But there's just some things in your life that I know could be so much better. You have so much potential. I really do see a wonderful person in you.

I hope being just friends isn't gonna be hard. I'm so comfortable around you and we have such a great time together. But seeing you hurt yourself and your life, and knowing that you're fooling around with other girls, or even the thought of you having another girlfriend one day... well, I just don't wanna think about that. One day at a time, I guess. You say we'll still hang out. We'll still play racquetball. We'll still go dancing. We'll still go to the movies. I really hope you mean it. Because I always wanna be there for you, with you. I can't imagine my life without you. I don't want to lose you. It's funny though, I've tried to break up with you so many times, and I could never do it. I always thought I'd be the one to break up with you. But in the end, I guess this was mutual. So... yeah.

Thank you for all the good times. You made me happy. You made me feel beautiful. As much as it sucked, you were right when you said you'd be a good first boyfriend for me. I guess part of me just wanted to believe that I would only have a first. I guess you can't always have the fairy tale, huh.

And when I said I'll always love you, I really meant it. Always.

M.