February 7th, 2006

(no subject)

anyone with enough bordom to pretend to care

i'm not really sure how i ended up here. i guess everything just built up much faster than i realized it would. i don't know. i just know it's too much.
i'm tired of everyone just assuming i'm okay. we're all capable of putting on a tough face.. fighting through.. acting like we're all okay. just because i've got that face, fight the good fight, act like nicole kidman doesn't mean i'm okay - and doesn't give the world the right to just brush me off like i am. i'm not okay. and i know, i know, those are the last words you'd ever think to hear from me (and, certainly, the last words i'd ever want to admit), but it's just too much. i can't do it. not alone. not anymore.
i dated him for over a year. i ended it. the next week a new guy was saying he "loves" me. i smiled. i laughed. i put that fake sparkle in my eyes. the next.damn.week. and the worst part? everyone bought it. everyone assumed i was fine - didn't need any love - didn't need any sympathy. i wasn't even acting well, i secretly, unconsciously, wanted someone to notice. someone to care. to hug me, hold me, tell me i was okay. i hate that everyone simply thought i was fine because i always have been fine, no matter what. [[as far as they could tell, anyway]]
he took all my friends with him - the ex boyfriend, that is. i know, i sound emo and all 'pity me', but.. haven't you noticed? i only have 1 friend i see outside of school. 1. no one talks to me. no one wants to be my friend. additionally, a ton of people hate me to begin with [[i know i'm a bitch, but it's never for no particular reason, i justify my actions, damnit]]. i want friends. scratch that - i want girlie friends. i've always been the tomboy, but every now and then i hit something i can't tell my guy friend. he doesn't understand, no matter how wonderful he is. why is it so hard for girls to like me.. [[omitted ? for a reason - i don't want to know the answer]].
my fellow _letterstoyou_-ers, i know i sound pathetic - and you should know that's my greatest fear: showing weakness. always has been. i'm strong. i'm tough. i'm put together. always. been a tomboy, been hard as stone. never cry. never ask for anything. never need a thing, and most importantly, never need anyone. but..its an act. i need people. i need friends. i need love. i need interaction. i need to accept people. i need to accept myself. i need to accept i have a drinking problem. i need to accept help. i need to let go of my guilt - i need to stop thinking i've brought this upon myself.
i broke up with my boyfriend. i watched my friends go. i only have 1 person there for me. i drink too much. i don't love myself and never have. i'm a walking smoke and mirrors trick - nothing's real.

but I have not brought this upon Myself. because at the end of the day, under all this new found crying and hurt and insecurity and lonlines, at My very core - I'm happier than I've been in a long time .. even if that happiness is hiding right now.


- - -


anyone who took the time to read all this:

thank you. just knowing that someone knows how i feel - even if i don't know you and you are just some distant hands on a keyboard, means more to me than you will ever know. thanks.