February 5th, 2006


(no subject)

best friend
were not best friends anymore. your stupid boyfriend is all i ever hear about. you were always the pretty one and me, the cute smart one. well you know what best friend, fuck you. you go sit on a mountain with your stupid fucking boyfriend, he can be your best friend. remember 9th grade? skipping class to go into empty classrooms to get high? you cutting yourself, art class, wet rag, sneaking out and getting caught...getting drunk and making out. this is it randi youve changed too much. how come it had to change. i love you, but i hate you more.

(no subject)

dear him,

hey. enjoying disney land?? i bet, cuz you're there with rory && i know how much the two of you love each other, -lol-. so i hope you two boys are having a grand time, besides, i know how much you've been looking forward to disney land && florida. believe me, i'm already looking forward to it as well. but as much as i love it there, i'll never be able to stay because you'll be here in ohio && everyone knows my heart is in ohio.

so as much as i want you to have fun && be happy, i want you to come home now. you've been gone for to long, even though it's only been a week, && i'm starting to feel the distance between us. but i figure it's natural. best friends are supposed to miss each other && nothing more then that. right?? ::nods:: right. but while you're gone, i feel like i'm missing something. i'm an ocean without the waves, a night without the stars, && rain without the nice springtime smell that goes along with it. it's kinda like summer, only instead of me being in florida && you here in ohio, it's switched around. && i really don't like it much ^^;;

when you're walking downtown disney at night, i wonder if you're thinking of me. cuz when i walked downtown disney that one night, i kept thinking about you. when i stopped && talked to the cute guy in the gift shop about bright eyes, i was missing you. when jamee && jen went into the little toy shop, i was thinking about you. when we stood and watched the lazer show, i was thinking about you. i dunno. i don't even know if this letter has any real relevence to it.

i just want you home. that's all.

love always,

dear jeff,

i didn't really know you. scratch that, i didn't know you at all. but rory did. && i know he misses you. he made a myspace bulletin about it. it touched me, so i reposted the bulletin. i don't know why you did what you did, or what compelled you to do it at school, but it just keeps me thinking "hey, that coulda been me." and the reality of that is scary as all hell. so i wonder what made you tick, what made you think that was the solution.

a permadent solution to a temporary problem

i didn't know you, jeff, but i wont forget you. my prayers are with your family and friends. && if someone who didn't know you at all wont forget you, i'm willing to stake everything on it that the people who did know you, who spent time with you, listened to you, cried with you, loved you, will never, ever forget you.

love always,

(no subject)

Sometimes it really pisses me off how you can make me feel like shit and then do so little to make me feel on top of the world again. I wish you had less control over my emotions, but then again I doubt I would give up my time with you for anything. I know I allowed you to have this role but I'm not comfortable being that way anymore. If you want me you come find me, I'm sick of always being on call. I need a cell phone again, that way I can go take a walk without being terrified of missing your phone call. To the Moon and Back my love. <3

if only I could say this to you

I'm afraid of opening up. It's taking so much out of me to reveal everything and to show you my family and my background. I want to be strong for you but I'm losing myself. I went through so much with ryan and I want someone to love me back like I love them but I'm scared. You told me you loved me the other night and I shut you down. I said you couldn't love me. but I love you. I'm scared that you'll want to take it back. You talk about our children and I love that but I don't want you to get freaked out about the future again. Hun I love you but I can never find the right time to tell you. It doesn't seem right to just say it randomly and it doesn't seem right to tell you when cuddling and it doesn't seem right to tell you at the union but I'm longing to tell you. I need you to know that I love you so much that I'm scared. I'm scared you'll use it against me and you'll turn around and leave. You're coming home with me over spring break and you're parents seem to be okay with everything and really nice to me. I'm scared of having to take back the I love yous. You said I love you really early in the relationship and then got all freaked out about thinking too much in the future and so we stopped it and that killed me. It really hurt to know that perhaps that could happen again but at the time I know that's what you needed and I know that's what was best but it still hurt. I don't want that. I want to share all this with you but I can't ever seem to find some moment. I don't like being weak in front of people. I've cried in front of you once and wanted to cry so many times but I'm scared. I have so many thoughts that I just hold in for no reason and I don't know why. I censor myself before you can reject me like so many people have before. I love you and I feel like shit for not being able to say this to you. I want to protect you from whatever weaknesses I have.

How do I say this to you? when's the right time? I want to tell you about this event I want to go to with you but I find myself afraid of rejection still...I have no reason for this really except that rejection has been the story of my life. I know you hate livejournal and I'm sorry but I want to send this link to you. I feel like if I don't do it now I won't ever tell you all this and I don't think that's healthy either. I'm torn about what to do and I know you don't need more stress in your life but grrr I just don't know what to do anymore.

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars"-bless the broken road
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