February 3rd, 2006

(no subject)

Dear me,

As much as its nice to really like someone this much, you KNOW it's gonna be the same as last time. And recently you've started to feel all awkward because you're scared to get close to anyone again. And you thought you were fine. But apparently not. You're going to mess things up like you always do. Not to mention you're probably thinking too much..

Why would anyone want you anyway?


Hello stranger

Dear you,
I loved you. I really really really loved you, did you care to figure that out? And I missed you so damn much, even when it hadn't happened. I was caught in an insane obsession with you before you even knew I existed. It was always like that with me and you. And then, it happened. It all happened. And it only lasted 4 days. 4 days 4 days 4 days. 4 days I thought I was your world and I was and you made me sandwiches and brownies and made me eat and kept me from becoming anorexic again and told me I was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen. And you kissed me, like you ment it. god, the way you breathed on me made me crawl out from under my own skin. The way you looked me up and down made me want to have your kids and be your slave. Anything. I'd do anything for you. Just to be with you.
Except, you had to break it off,after 4 days. Only 4 days. And you still liked me and now, now it's been 2 months and I've lost 10 pounds because I can't stop, couldn't stop thinking about you. About how you needed someone who would be able to see past everything you showed up as and love you. I loved you. I think I loved you. But............I kept coming back, and you kept saying, it's not that easy, "my friends don't like you, and it can't ever happen, because,........damn you're beautiful." You were the first person to ever call me that, and nuzzle into the little space between my neck and my ear and...........then I stopped. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to die, because I couldn't survive without you embrasses. And then, it was 2 days, which turned into 2 weeks. And then I talked to you and you...you.....you......you told me you loved me. You ment it too. I could see it in your eyes. And you knew you ment it. But you were mad at me for not talking to you, mad at yourself for not having control over me. You loved to control me. YOU LOVED TO CONTROL ME YOU FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING ALCOHOLIC. sorry. no, i'm not sorry. No, I am......fuck.
And the next day was yesterday. And I saw you, on drugs, you did them for the first time and it was my fault all my fault that you were grasping at unexistant objects on the floor. You loved my . YOU LOVED ME. YOU LOVE ME. Except, when you told me, was the saddest moment in my life. Like watching a 7-year-old die from leukemia and not knowing what to do about it. I don't love you anymore. I can't love you anymore. It hurt me so much, that I don't even think about you anymore. I just feel guilty for not loving you, and for pushing you over the edge. I'm sorry, but I don't know what I'm apologizing for. I love you, forever, or not, I don't know. No, I don't love you anymore. Because you don't penetrate my mind anymore. And you're not talking to me, and when I come back on monday, I don't know what I'm going to do or say or help you through this. I don't know if I want you to get through this. I just......I want.....I want......**starts crying***. I wish you;d known you loved me sooner. I wish I hadn't wasted 4 months in love with you.
I loved you Chris, I really really really loved you Chris. Did you even care to figure it out?
Love, your "kid".
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(no subject)

Dear whomever may read this,

I've been asking myself lately if I made a mistake. Maybe it was just something about today that pushed me a little overboard. I used to be able to handle days like this...the days where we weren't exactly fighting but weren't exactly peachy. I could even take the lack of kissing or holding hands or touching me at all. I don't know. I just feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around you even when we're okay. God knows that you'll be upset with me if I step on one wrong crack. I can't read you like I thought I could. I would enjoy getting to know you even better than I do but you honestly won't let me in. Cliche? Yes. But you've already told me you won't. And if you let me to understand how you handle things when you're upset, how...how you hide inside yourself and why, and what exactly makes you upset...maybe I could prevent some of them. I'm not a moron. So, in a way, you can't get upset with me for what I do because I don't even know what I'm doing!

I can't believe I gave him up. To this day I can't think of why. Even though he lied to me a few times and blamed me for drinking. I don't know. Whenever I have days like this I think about things too much and I end up thinking about him too much. I think about what my life would have been like had I just stayed with him. Oh, that's right. I broke up with him for you. God. Why. Why did I comprimise distance with love? Is it possible to love two people? I don't even know. All I know is that I still have feelings for you. I do I do I do! And I've been wanting to say it for so long. Today I was sitting in Creative Writing and I found the story I wrote about the last day we spent in Vermont two years ago. And my heart fluttered and I started blushing and I found myself kind of getting lost in that day dream. I kept replaying it over and over and over until I'll missed you so much that I had to talk to you or see you or run around in circles or ...something!

I thought about it some more on the bus ride home, after he wouldn't drive me. a;lksdjf;a a;ldk ANYWAY. And what it comes down to is that I have to see you again. I have to see you in person and feel your aroms around me and see if there could ever be any drop of anything left. ...I need to kiss you again. I need you to kiss me. I need to feel something, or nothing. Some sign that would make my life easier. He loves my curly hair, you love it straight. He hates my wild eyeshadow, you love it. He hates it when I try to act cute, you thrive on it. He doesn't see through me, you can. He can't tell me what I'm wearing that day by just talking on the phone. He can't tell me when I'm smiling or frowning or crying on the phone either. You're the only one who's been able to do that.

My philosophy on love is solely that if it's meant to be it will be. And I hate being left wondering if WE were the ones who were meant to be. If we are, then I want to find out now. If not, then I know that I can live with what I have. Does that sound horrible? I don't know.