January 31st, 2006

travis

this is what i wish i could say to you...

dear you

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours.
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember. cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real.
You said they were.
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
you knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

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(no subject)

Dear self,
You went to the doctors today why? Ahh yes you went cause you wanted to play human pin cushion and get freaked out. Which is worse knowing or not wanting to know whats wrong? No idea....
I suppose 10 days isnt that long to wait for the results of the chest x-ray and blood work up just wish I could have them now. All I know is I dont want to be going anywhere near that hospital any time soon if I can manage it. Before I went to the doctors sure I was thinking about what was wrong but now that I know what the doctors suspect..I mean..what if its serious?...what if it is what they suspect? Could I cope? What about school and uni? God this is probably making no sense but its just the way my head feels. I wish I could just sit and talk about this with someone but I dont wanna burden people and freak them out. I should tell Max...I know I should...if it were the other way round I would want him to tell me...but I dont know how to talk to him. I know he will worry and ask questions that I just dont know the answers to. I struggled telling mum and I had it written on a bloody referal card infront of me. Max would be crushed..what am I saying I dont know how he would take it, I just get the feeling he wouldnt react well. Part of me thinks that I should tell him straight away but another part of me thinks it would be better to tell him when I know all the facts and ive had the results back. God I dont even know what I think. My head is so all over the place just too much new info to take onboard all at once. Okay enough rabbling...think im gonna go for a walk and clear my head I need to get outta the house.

Signed Confused..