January 30th, 2006

(no subject)

dear him,

i've been avoiding writting this letter for a little over three weeks now. well, longer, i suppose, but three weeks ago, i think, is when things happened that made me REALLY want to avoid writting this. avoid asking myself questions that needed to be answered, for myself anyways.

see, it was going well. i told myself that i had fallen out of love with you back in august, when we went through that whole "hate" stage. i've been fine, not being with you and knowing that you didn't want to be with me. i've been having fun with life, moving on with life, getting better at handleing thing.

but i guess no matter how many times you tell yourself something, it wont make it come true, will it??

so i've been avoiding asking myself these questions. because i'm terrified of answers. so i figured if i ignored it, i could push it away. and for the most part, its better for me to ignore it because now, at least, i know i can be with someone else and not worry about if you're going to randomly decide to want me, as you've done numerous times. not to say im angry about it, cuz im not, but well. . .

so that one sunday you were here and you stayed the night. we were watching tv in my room. i dont need to go into details with what happened. we both know (a bite's a bite, a kiss is a kiss, then there's the heavy breathing and pressed hips +you know i love those lyrics+)but that's what got my head all screwy. those two hours.

i dont want to be with you. not right now, at least. because you've hurt me to much in the past. but i really believe in "never say never". so i know that there is a chance that someday i'll wanna be with you, and, dare i say, you with me.

see, him, i just can't compare you to anyone else. the happiness i have when im around you, i've never felt like that. you make my face hurt from smiling and laughing to much. and the security i feel when you put your arms around me. or the rightness when the kisses click.


so i guess, what i'm really trying to say here can be accomplished in a mere four words. so i'll say them. finally admit them outloud, which is something i've been hesitant to do because in my mind, once it's spoken, it can't be ignored. but. . .well. . .

i still love you.

my everything,

ps. happy birthday, kidd.
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(no subject)

Dear Katie,
I'm a horrible sister.
I steal your CDs and magazines.
Your clothes, your sayings.
Your views, your dreams.
Everything that is yours I make mine.
I lie to you about your possessions.
I lie to you about everything.
We say we're best-friends.
But I'm really just a fucking clone.
When you said I did it my way.
I just followed it up with a quote from you.
I'm not original.
I'm not different.
I'm you.
Only worse.
Just don't find me out.
Then I'll be nothing.
-your sister

Tuff Luv ♥
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(no subject)

i was finally ok.
i still care more than you will ever know.
but i dont want to act on it anymore.
we are friends. i love being your friend.
today i realized that i can move on with my life.
i was excited that i was finally able to let go.
tonight i got my usual phone call at 2 in the morning.
you put the spill canvas on and made me fall in to needing you all over again.
you did it on purpose.
the first song you went to was sunsets and carcrashes.

you got upset.
and got really quiet.
you wouldn't tell me what was wrong.
so i left it alone.
you got even quieter.
and now you are sleeping.

thanks rodney, thatnks.

(no subject)

dear boyfriend,
you're way more into me than i am into you.
this was a bad idea.
and i dont know how to tell you.
all these sappy love songs i listen to aren't for you,.
they're for him, and i love him, and i can't let him go.

i'm sorry, really, i am. you and i are better off as friends.

but i'll still die for that smile.
Crazy Random Happenstance

(no subject)

Dear Friends and Boyfriend,

I do not have a problem. I have my cutting and eating habits undercontrol. I do not need to see a counselor. I don't want to see a counselor, either. She's just someone I don't know who thinks she knows something about me when she doesn't. When I say this, you guys all say "But she can help you!" Newsflash: I don't need help! So just leave me alone about that part of my life. Yes, my life. Not yours.
I love you all and I understand you're all just worried about me, but you don't need to be. I have everything undercontrol. If I need to talk to someone, I will.

wonka candy vs liquor

In loving memory...


On Friday, you would have turned 49.
I don't know why you left, but you did.
It was just your time.
You were no longer meant to be here with us.
And as much as that hurts, I'm mostly ok with it.
You will always remain with us in spirit.
Thank you for everything.
I do still wish that I could see you again
Even just for one second.
It would be wonderful.
You are always on my mind.
And even more than that, you're always with me.

For your birthday, mom and I decided to send a package to the soldiers serving our country.
I will enclose a letter.
And we're going to see if anyone else wants to donate.
In remembrance of you.
You were well-liked.
You were a father to some of my friends,
and Carl really liked you.

If I had one more day, I'd spend it flying kites with you.
We'd just run and play and do what you enjoyed the most.

You'll miss my graduation.
You'll miss my wedding.
You'll miss all of the big events in my life.

But you'll be watching them from up above.
And that's what comforts me.

R.I.P. Daddy.
I love you always.
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