January 25th, 2006

Funeral Blues by WH Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Dear You,

I felt my world, my systems falling apart the day we broke up. And no matter how hard I tried to stay angry or to force myself to reconcile, I couldn't. Instead I hated you, thought about you constantly, avoided thinking about you constantly, and I cried. I cried for weeks. I had convinced myself that I was completely over you, but I knew that I was only fooling myself.

The day I finally broke down, I couldn't understand why I couldn't just move on. I became so incredibly frustrated. I just wanted to be happy again. No matter how many times I told myself all the reasons, I couldn't accept it. I wanted so many things: you to want me, you to be insanely jealous, you to hurt. I wanted to break your heart. I wanted some satisfaction. Because I knew that you had moved on, but I was still stuck.

I broke up with YOU, yet I just...was. It's not like it was the most enjoyable experience of my life, having to call you, lay it out, and just say the words: "It's obvious that we're not like we used to be. You make it obvious you don't want to be with me. It's been over for a while, but let's just end it now." I thought that I would feel so liberated. But even after "the break-up," I couldn't admit that my first relationship was actually over.

You were my world. It was incredibly hard to adjust, go back to my life without you. Understandably so- For a year, you were my system, and part of my world order. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't as easy as I pictured it. I was completely crushed. Because let's face it: Even if you're the one who "officially" does the break-up, if you were cheated on, technically you still got dumped. And I won't lie and say that I didn't feel that way.

You didn't die, but my life with you did. We ended and it has been one of the hardest things that I've had to cope with. I am getting over you. Slowly. But now, when I find myself thinking about you, I don't get depressed. I actually feel sentimental. But not in the way that fools me into thinking that I need you back. Rather, in the way that makes me realize that it WAS a good relationship, and it was meant to happen the way it did- even with the nasty break-up. It was incredibly messy, and I really do wish we had ended better. But it was meant to be that way. We just weren't meant to be forever.

As much as I want to, I can't be friends with you. There is still so much resentment there. I'm getting over you, but not what you did. I want to forgive you. Maybe in the future, hopefully soon. But right now, I'm focusing on me and learning that even though what happened didn't end right, I'm okay. And I will be.

wonka candy vs liquor

And as the light is escaping, so is my happiness....

(Start Poem)

As the last ray of light escapes,

so does my happiness,

so does my joy,

so does my bliss.

As the last sign of day retreats,

so does my heart,

so does my mind,

so does my fresh start.

Night's all around us now,

and the darkness is closing in,

I'm trying to find some light,

some light for me to hide myself in.

A darkness has overtaken my soul,

a pain has left me feeling less than whole.

A fear has gripped my heart,

it's too bad that we're apart.

You'd be my light,

You'd be my happiness, my joy, my bliss.

You'd warm my heart, my mind, my fresh start.

You'd keep me safe from the darkness,

that's trying to override my bliss.

I love you.

And that's what I'll always do.

(End Poem)

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dear self

i fucking hate you
youre so fucking fat
youre stupid
just suck it up and dont eat

god i dunno what to do really.. ive been in recovery for bulimia for about 2 years.. and ive started it up again. i feel like im not good enough for my boyfriend. and i feel so fat all of the time. everyone tells me im not. but i am.. every day i dance.. and i dance soo hard to try and get skinnier.. everything i eat gets purged now
its all i think about
even when im with him
all i think about
is if he thinks im fat

god i hate myself