i saw you today...looking for the pita bread. well, actually you asked me where it was. but anyway, i just wanted to tell you that you're gorgeous. i've never met you, but in that instant, i caught intelligent gray eyes, cheeks red as if you just walked through a cold wind (which was entirely possible, of course, being in upstate new york at this time of year), and an honest smile.
dear nayte. a few days ago was the first time i held a baby since you were here. I was asked if i wanted to hold him. at first I said no. I wanted to; but at the same time I didn't. I watched him play with his toys on the floor. I thought of you; and i had to go and play with him.
I came across more pictures of you picnic pictures. i think the day we went on the picnic was the last time I saw you; the next weekend you were gone. I remember that day at the park. your mother told me, "Take pictures of me and Nayte. I want pictures with my son."
we put every picture from the picnic on the slideshow at your funeral. we had 300 pictures all together. your funeral was very very sad.
Your mommy tried being so strong. i remember she hugged me and said; "dont be sad; you are always happy and smiling. don't be sad now. smile for me." so i did. i tried not to cry. for the most part, i was ok.
until the family had to say their last goodbyes. i remember exactly how it went.
me matt and rodney were by the door about to walk out of the room to leave the family members.
i turned around and saw your mother walk up to your casket and put her hands on each side of you; wanting to hug you and hold you. and i remember the way she kissed your forehead and began crying.
i couldn't smile for her anymore. I turned away and started to walk out. right as i turned around; rodney was there. and he hugged me.
you have made so many changes in everyones life. at first i didn't care about rodney that much. i needed someone there for me when you died. he was there. my feelings towards him changed completely and you had alot to do with it.
I wish you could still be here. I see other parents; they are having so much fun teaching their kids how to talk. or walk. or things along those lines.
I couldn't wait until you could talk to us. you had such a happy personality and you couldn't even talk.
I went to your place yesterday and you weren't there. I left a note on your door. And when I got home you were there waiting for me. Very good move.
You have no idea how hard that conversation was for me. Especially when we started talking about love. And we were not only on a different page, but in completely separate novels. When you say you love me, you're talking about the kind of love that I have for friends and family. You aren't in love with me. And you don't think I'm in love with you because you say it's reciprocal. Well I've been in love before and I know that this is it. I would do anything for you. Your happiness is not only more important than mine, but it's critical to mine.
I hope we're on the same path now in this relationship. I don't want it all to be for nothing. I want you to be able to fall in love with me. There's more of a difference between best friend and girlfriend than just kissing, and I hope that if you really feel true love for me one day then you will see it. I can't walk you through it and I can't explain it to you, because it's something so ineffable and intangible.
But at least I know where you're at now. And I still want to help you. I don't want to lose you. Ever.
Dear God why did it have to happen? why did they have to die? why do any of us have to die? why do we endure so much but get so little out ofit? i dont know if i can believe in you anymore. everytime i get in my place to pray i feel like cursing you and crying. i dont know how to deal with it anymore. i'm not an ignorant little christian girl. i've always backed you on everything. but i dont know if i can anymore. i dont know why i've had to see so much and fuck my mind up so much to get nothing out of this. i live in a world of instant gratification and i can't wait any longer. it hurts enough to go through it all. but having it replay in my mind everyday makes me fucking nuts. can't you just make me better?! please? just please promise me he's safe in heaven with you...please.
I love you. I love you probably more than you will ever understand. But, that's the thing, I don't understand. I say I love you. And I do, I care so deeply for you. I hate this feeling. We're not with eachother. We were, and you needed time away. But, you needed to time away to be with Dennis and fix those things first. Since, you were cheating on me with him before. I'm a female, I'm sensitive. And, on top of that, I'm still not used to this dating a girl thing. You're the first girl I've dated. I've been bi for years, but, I don't know if I'm gay or not, and you were helping me see myself. And, you fucking cheated on me with a guy! And do you know how badly I felt. I cried for weeks. I couldn't say more than two words at once without bursting into tears again. EVERYTHING made me think of either you or him or you two together. But, I adore you, and I can't break it off. You practically ignore me. And you don't want commitment, but I need commitment. And it hurts me to be with you, but it hurts more to think about being without you. I can't live with you. And I can't live without you. I don't fucking know anymore. You made me beleive that you loved me. And sometimes I still don't think it's true. I stood up for you when people said you cause others pain. And I stood up for you when people told me that you slept around. Godess, I stood up for you when my mind was thinking... WHORE. Because, I won't believe it. You are my world, my life. I don't know what to do. Take me or leave me. That's all there is to it. I can't do the inbetween anymore. It's killing me. It's tearing me apart in the most painful ways. The more I talk, the more I hear, the more it hurts. I love you. No matter what. Yours forever, Katie
..never knew I could feel like this like I've never seen the sky before...