1. "I love you more than anything and even more than that. You are my world, you are what keeps me going day after day. I don't know what I would do without you." *last night*
2. "...but I can say that you are the most amazing girlfriend in the world. You mean more than the world to me. I don't know what I would do without you. You are the one thing that keeps me breathing. You are my everything." *today*
I don't know why or how to explain it but things have changed between us. For the first time in seven months I can say the change has been for the best.
You are my best friend. Always and forever. It's so crazy that we've known each other for almost 12 years. I still remember the us being in the Earth Day play together in 2nd grade. We were some crazy kids. Freshman year I was only half kidding when I said that we should be best friends. HA. Who in the world asks random boys who they haven't had a conversation with in years to be best friends? Who even has to ask to be a best friend? But let that be a testament to the way things have always worked in our relationship.
And then you moved to Mercer Island, 2 states away from me. I don't know why, I just instinctively clung onto you. My crutch, my support. It was so nice just talking and knowing that we really were best friends.
I want to say that I am truly an genuinely sorry for the last year. I am always bagging on people for changing when they get into a relationship. And I did just that- I became what I resented most. Of course, I didn't know it then. I just thought I was making my boyfriend happy. I mean, we are FRIENDS, and he knew that. But for some inexplicable reason, I still ignored your phone calls and was fake nice to you. Especially when you moved back, practically down the street from me.
I realize now how big of a jerk I was.
It took my broken heart for me to come crawling back to you. Thank you for listening to me last night. My true friend. And the only boy who I love and can rely on.
Even though it was 11pm during finals week and you had a million art portfolios to finish, you listened to me. I ranted and almost cried. I told you stories and made absolutely no sense. I'm actually pretty sure that I just talked and probably to myself. Haha. It was great. Only you understand the meaning of tape recorders in my head, hugs over the phone, and backtracks and laughs.
PS- I'm keeping you in the friend zone.
Breaking up IS hard to do. But fixing a broken heart is harder.
I think about you a lot. Still. And much more than I should. But I want you to know that it's okay, what happened between us.
I am always going to look back at 2005 and know it was the year of YOU. From New Year's to the next New Year's, my 2005 was all about you. And as much as I wanted to forget us, I know now that it was for the best and that I am a much better person for it. I don't want us back, I just want good terms.
Talking to Connor last night made me realize that even though it was okay for me to remember, I can't dwell.
And so I just want you to know. I am still not completely over you yet, but I will be. And I hope that within the next couple of months I can talk to you for real. I can't wait for the day that we really are good.
Don't you hate it when things aren't what they seem to be?
I am so confused right now. Exams are stressful enough I mean.. Im in grade 12. This is deciding the rest of my life. I dont need this extra un needed stress. I mean.. I should be over him. He just makes it hard, then their is the new one.. I thought you were great. Then u lied to me, how am i supposed to get to know you and trust you when you are lying to me. If you had of told me the truth i wouldn't have been mad, it was in the past. Lying made it all worse. Now i don't know if any thing you have told me is true. I tried ignoring others oppinions, you know to give you a chance. I don't really know if i should have. Are you really a player? Who knows, you've already lied to me...You say im different from other girls and that you will change for me. I believed you, i still kind of do. I thought we could be getting some where.. But to be honest lying is a huge turn off.. Maybe it just wasn't supposed to happen.